CQ's Jokes

[Z J]

3 rights make an open-ended square!

Yeah, it does, sort of. Okay enough geometry!!!:e:

 

[lureswinger]

A rack sounds a good idea to me to sort that out

 

[BuckeyeFan]

If they're of the correct gender, they might even be able to start a family! fft:

Silly Mcgill - those are the Wright Brothers. What kind of folks do ya think we are down here in Ohio?

 

[CQ:)]

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if Mr. Whippy hadn't come along."

 

[CQ:)]

{To all of us "old timers" and "soon to be old timers” as well as anyone in the medical profession.... Take note...never jump to conclusions}

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN



Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ ................. But I was wrong, too!"

 

[Shelley]

TV

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that
they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV
on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only
found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel
to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check
the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer
was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check
the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had
found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill
and grounded to the manure spreader.

 

[Z J]

a farmer finally decided to buy a tv. The store assured him that
they would install the antenna and tv the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new tv and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the tv
on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the tv again but still only
found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel
to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check
the tv.

When the tv repairman turned on the tv he found that the farmer
was right. After looking at the tv for a while he went outside to check
the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had
found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill
and grounded to the manure spreader.

nnniiiccceee!!!!!

 

[CQ:)]

innocence

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?​

While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

*****

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them.'

*****

Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****
Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.

*****


May happiness smile on your world and in your heart.

 

[Z J]

Doctor's Orders

Looking down at the sick man, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. "I feel I need to tell you the truth. You don't have much time left. Is there anyone you would like to see?."
Bending down towards his patient, the doctor heard him feebly answer, "Yes, please."
"Who can I get for you?" as the doctor leaned over the sufferer.
In a slightly stronger tone, the patient replied, "Another doctor."

 

[Rae1889]

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!
​

Thats funny! i did that when I was 8! I told a girl at my birthday party to "shut your whiney trap before I stuff a sock in it". Mum yelled at me to be polite so i said "PLEASE shut your whiney trap before I stuff a sock in it. THANK-YOU!" I shouted the last caps lock words so my mother would know that i was using manners.​

 

[CQ:)]

Thats funny! i did that when I was 8! I told a girl at my birthday party to "shut your whiney trap before I stuff a sock in it". Mum yelled at me to be polite so i said "PLEASE shut your whiney trap before I stuff a sock in it. THANK-YOU!" I shouted the last caps lock words so my mother would know that i was using manners.

Thats funny.
At less you know your manners :roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[CQ:)]

Council Job

A man goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers, 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'
and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes, a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'Okay, in that case I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10 AM -
and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't
you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we
just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. Not really
any point you coming in for that.'

 

[lureswinger]

yes brain but if your on medication for your epilepsy you shouldnt be drinking tequilas lololol

 

[lureswinger]

sorry all if im a bit behind ive been up to my neck in it here

 

[Nakamova]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

[Shelley]

another lawyer joke

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses

Because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced,

'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,

Crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading,

I can't use an oral thermometer.'

This started another round of complaining but eventually

He rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,

He heard her announce, 'I have to get something.

Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc?

Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed...

'Not with a carnation.'

 

[CQ:)]

The Man Rules
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem onlyif you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOTneed directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, notA colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh !

 

[seizingbeauty]

:roflmao: Oh so true!
Thanks CQ this thread picks me up on those down days.

 

[CQ:)]

Getting married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Barnstaple Devon ,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Good, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."