CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

God Bless little old ladies!

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.'

 

[CQ:)]

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China.

Now, here goes...


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!






JOO BETCHER!!!!!!!!!

 

[RanMan]

Subject: The Old Pilot



> An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old
> USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
>
> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She
> turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
>
> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first
> Stearmans, then the early Grummans. I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in
> WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've
> taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I
> guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
>
> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked
> women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
> When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about
> naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
>
> The two sat sipping in silence.
>
> A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
> pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
>
> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[CQ:)]

3 Old Men

3 Old Men at Breakfast Chatting...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day? and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

[CQ:)]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please.... just one more time
before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down
to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....
Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you ....don't....!'

 

[RanMan]

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
>>>>>>
>>>>> 2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 15. SO, I TRIED Retirement ... AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! ---and LOVING it!!!
>>>>>>

 

[RanMan]

Jesse,

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in
the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed
only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's
Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per
picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just
happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And
while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your
wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself
after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and
compare notes.

Tiger Woods

 

[RanMan]

Red Riding Hood's Revenge





This is a nice one you could tell your children or grandchildren at bedtime. It would cut their fears and tensions I'm sure. Perhaps bring a small smile to their cute little faces.



Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.



"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.



The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!



Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.



"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.



Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.



About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.



"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.



With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"

 

[Rae1889]

he hee hee heee heeeeee!

 

[Z J]

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
>>>>>>
>>>>> 2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 15. SO, I TRIED Retirement ... AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! ---and LOVING it!!!
>>>>>>

You made my day. Not the first time I've heard that joke, though. I have one for you.
"I tried being a trashman, but I got canned."

 

[CQ:)]

How to be a gracious bitch

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day..''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
__________________________________
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

 

[CQ:)]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks..

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

 

[Rae1889]

CQ both of those made my day!

I would have totally totally done the gracious bitch thing. What a smart cookie she is. My mum is the same way

 

[Aicila]

A couple jokes my daughter tells me.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
Because the chicken was on vacation.

Why did the cactus cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.

Why did the baseball player go to the bank? (should be football player)
To get his quarter back.

Not too funny, but picture a 4 year old telling them and then cracking up afterwards. Always makes me smile.

 

[Rae1889]

my sister did that when she was young. She told this one numerous times, and of course you gotta laugh for her. and she really did bust a gut with it.

What does a vampire take when he is sick?

COFFIN MEDICINE

 

[RanMan]

American tourist asks a Newfoundlander :
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfie replies :
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*ckin' boat."

 

[Rae1889]

Ha Ha! I think any canuck would say that RanMan, but its funnier when you picture the accent!

I love Canada!

 

[RanMan]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.....

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........... "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

 

[CQ:)]

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people

 

[CQ:)]

Irish Maths

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor. ​