seizingbeauty
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:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
I copy pasted that and posted it in my ofc
I copy pasted that and posted it in my ofc
Welcome to the Coping With Epilepsy Forums
Welcome to the Coping With Epilepsy forums - a peer support community for folks dealing (directly or indirectly) with seizure disorders. You can visit the forum page to see the list of forum nodes (categories/rooms) for topics.
Please have a look around and if you like what you see, please consider registering an account and joining the discussions. When you register an account and log in, you may enjoy additional benefits including no ads, access to members only (ie. private) forum nodes and more. Registering an account is free - you have nothing to lose!
CQ:)
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Computer Repair
Read first, then scroll down
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What's wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmm.....oh really? I'll send you a picture.
Scroll down?.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA PASS THIS ALONG. . . . . . .
Read first, then scroll down
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What's wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmm.....oh really? I'll send you a picture.
Scroll down?.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA PASS THIS ALONG. . . . . . .
Last edited:
CQ:)
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A man just bought a new boat and decided to take her for the
maiden voyage. This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp,
but he figured it couldn't be too hard.
He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just
said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to
launch the boat". Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get the trailer in the water at all! Anyhow, here's a picture below.
You're gonna love this guy!!!
you just can't make this stuff up!
maiden voyage. This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp,
but he figured it couldn't be too hard.
He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just
said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to
launch the boat". Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get the trailer in the water at all! Anyhow, here's a picture below.
You're gonna love this guy!!!
you just can't make this stuff up!
seizingbeauty
New
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Had my IT guy come and look at the mouse, his response was "Oh Jesus Christ" then walked away chuckling
RanMan
Too Much Experience with Epilepsy
- Messages
- 408
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LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
CQ:)
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A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
RanMan
Too Much Experience with Epilepsy
- Messages
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
CQ:)
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track... Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a different horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse y ou blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track... Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a different horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse y ou blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
CQ:)
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Excuse the language... actually it is quite appropriate in this instance.
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
CQ:)
Veteran
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New Exercise program
The older we get, the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN.......
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine
The older we get, the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN.......
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine
CQ:)
Veteran
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Irish Fire Fighter Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy,ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
Paddy,ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
seizingbeauty
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Does it make me a bad person for:roflmao: at that?
CQ:)
Veteran
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
RanMan
Too Much Experience with Epilepsy
- Messages
- 408
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 91
The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase. 'The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase. 'The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
RanMan
Too Much Experience with Epilepsy
- Messages
- 408
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 91
None of us are this old yet...Look what we have to look forward to. We should laugh now cause we won't remember to then....LOLOLOL
******************************************
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.
Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
you a hundred times...What we have is...
Blue
Cross!"
******************************************
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.
Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
you a hundred times...What we have is...
Blue
Cross!"
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,592
- Reaction score
- 373
- Points
- 198
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens"
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens"
CQ:)
Veteran
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Farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes.."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes.."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
CQ:)
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply
thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
many such glances from her, he said: 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply
thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?