CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Two Aussies, Dennis and Homey, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Den stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Den blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.



Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Homey looked disgustedly at Den whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Homey said, "Nice going Den!, Now we're going to have to piss in the boat !!! ".

 

[neilB]

Written by a third grader,on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house... The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[CQ:)]

If you don't understand this now, you will in a few years..................

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do you know you were speeding?"

This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating . . ..


"Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

 

[CQ:)]

THE BLONDE AND THE TWO IRISHMEN

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

 

[CQ:)]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Your going to love the Dad's reply:

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere
they went?'

 

[CQ:)]

 

[CQ:)]

Only A Mother would know

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

 

[seizingbeauty]

Can you get married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,' and he leaves.


The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the
couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?'
they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'


After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'


St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.


'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

 

[neilB]

Ghosts

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

A student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, young man, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

He quietly replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats:roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
THEY'VE been around the block more than once!

 

[CQ:)]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,The best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
But the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
Looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!'

 

[Shelley]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[lonnie]

Thank all of you. It's been a long times since I have had so many laughs. lonnie

 

[CQ:)]

Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to
rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing
and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28year old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so
they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f***ed up your hair?"

 

[CQ:)]

Management Course

Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing u p h er shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs..

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your share holders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand u p h er leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide u p h er leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way..

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!


Aspire to Inspire Before You Expire!

 

[seizingbeauty]

BIG laugh

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh ......

>"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and
width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[CQ:)]

Seamus & Bessie...

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was sueing the lorry company.
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor: 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus: 'Well , I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow Bessie into the...'

Solicitor: 'I didn't ask for any details, just answer the question.
Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine !" ?'

Seamus: 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour , I am trying to establish the fact that , at the scene of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie , my favourite cow , into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry & trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt very bad like and didn't want to move.

However , I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her and saw her condition , he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road , gun still in hand , looked me up and down , and said 'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?

 

[CQ:)]

Turpentine vs Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

 

[CQ:)]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay.

You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on
starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to
4:00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00am?

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.

“For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our nuts. No point in you coming in for that.

 

[kimerajamm]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."




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