Doctor & Medical Jokes

[brain]

One man came to the Doctor and said
"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee" and
the doctor replied "Well buzz off then!"


Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
bottle of gin.
I think you need a little tonic was his
reply.


Doctor, doctor. I'm becoming invisible.
Yes, I can see that you're not all there.


Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten
by a vampire.
Drink this glass of water.
Will it make me better?
No, but I'll be able to see if your neck
leaks.


Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pencil.
Doctor: Can we get to the point.


Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm shrinking.
Doctor: Well, you'll just have to be a
little patient.



Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing pink elephants.
Have you seen a psychiatrist?
No - only pink elephants.

 

[Bernard]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Stay out of them places!

 

[RanMan]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Doctor says to patient in the recovery room after the operation "Well James, I have some good news and some bad news.
First the bad news ~ we amputated the wrong leg, the good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"
Randy

 

[RanMan]

Doctor says to patient in the recovery room after the operation "Well James, I have some good news and some bad news.
First the bad news ~ we amputated the wrong leg, the good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"
Randy

A young woman is admitted to the hospital where she has a baby.
After 3 days, she still hasn't seen her newborn, she says to the attending nurse "I've been in here for 3 days and haven't been able to see my baby, what's going on.
After 4 days she sees her O B and tells her that she's been in the hosp for 4 days and hasn't been able to see her baby. The O B says she will look into the matter.
After 5 days she sees her Doctor and tells him that she demands to see her baby or she'll sue the Hosp.
The Doctor says OK, I'll be right back.
The Doctor returns about a half hour later with a little bundle wrapped up in a blanket, he gently hands it over to her and says OK Mrs. Murphay, here's your baby.
Mrs Murphay pulls back the blanket and in disbelief, says "Oh no, my baby, it's a giant EAR, the Doctos says "thats the good news, the bad news is IT'S DEAF.

Randy

 

[CQ:)]

MEDICAL BLOOPERS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big -breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

[brain]

Patient Charts

You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem.

The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

* "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

* "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

* "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

* "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

* "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

* "The patient refused an autopsy."

* "The patient has no past history of suicides."

* "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

* "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

* "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

* "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

* "She is numb from her toes down."

* "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

* "The skin was moist and dry."

* "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

* "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

* "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

* "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

* "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

* "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

* "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

* "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

* "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

* "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

* "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

* "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

* "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

* "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."


Doctor's Charts

 

[Birdbomb]

CQ and Brain...you owe me a new keyboard! I am ROLLING!

 

[brain]

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four
years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters
under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten
a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was
very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing
the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his
old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him
looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe
says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem
to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically,
"and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure
you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

 

[CQ:)]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

 

[brain]

(This was just given to me by a minister in an email - it's hilarious)




Well, I’m here at the Doctors office where I go under the knife again for my knee. This time they split me open. I see where the surgeon’s name is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter…. I began to get a little worried when the directions to the Doctor's office included "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

There is an old dilapidated pickup truck out front with a sign on the door “We Sharpen Chain Saws”. I hope it belongs to a patient and it’s not someone here to work on the surgical instruments.

As I entered the Doctors office I noticed my primary care physician was wearing the pants I gave to Goodwill last month. I knew I shouldn’t go with the cheaper Health Care Plan. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. The pain medication he is giving me doesn’t work. It comes in different colors with little M's on them. I’m filling out the final consent form now and it says "The patient is responsible for 200% of all in-network charges”. Is this right?

I think you all better pray.

~ Earl ~

 

[brain]

(Here's another one by the same minister
all coming from his son-in-law)

Well I had my surgery today.... Everything went well. They do it in a day and then send you home after a short recovery time. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. A student nurse, was sent up and found Judy dressed, sitting on the bed with a suitcase at her feet. She insisted she didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, she reluctantly let the nurse wheel her to the elevator.

On the way down the nurse asked her if her husband was meeting her.
"I don't know," she said. "He's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of his hospital gown."

~Earl~

 

[Birdbomb]

 

[DogtorJ]

Groucho

A man walks into the doctor (Grouch Marx) complaining of a broken arm. Groucho tells him, "Go to the window and stick out your tongue". The man asks, "Will that help my arm?" Groucho replies "No, I don't like the guy across the street."

 

[RobinN]

Quotes from Medical Records

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians

"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."
*

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
*

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
*

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
*

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
*

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
*

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
*

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
*

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
*

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
*

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
*

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
*

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
*

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission.."
*

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*

The patient refused an autopsy.
*

The patient has no past history of suicides.
*

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
*

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*

She is numb from her toes down.
*

The skin was moist and dry.
*

Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2004/04/3/medical-laughs.aspx

 

[speber]

Those are GREAT Robin!...

:roflmao:

...and, depressingly, very believable at the same time.
onder:

 

[Danielle]

I'd have to say those are very funny! and.... for some crazy reason of the people I have met through the years I can see them believing it!
Oh! By the way thanks for the greeting in my forum! Your an artist too? That is so cool! What type of art do you prefer? Mine would be a tie between acrylic and watercolor. Although, I'll admit I've been bad. I learned a lot of cool techniques on programs such as Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator. So on some of my work, not all, but on some I just draw the basic design for what I am going to create, scan it, then I let the program do the dirty work. I know, I know, I'm bad. But, I'd have to say it looks awesome once it is finished!! I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about later on. Bye!

 

[LynnW]

Whoa! Circus sized!!

I nearly peed myself these were so funny!

 

[Shelley]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmerile."

"The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, right?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

 

[Moonwolf]

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the reception desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a Russian shot putter. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly however, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

 

[CQ:)]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.


'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks can rot your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'