"Waiting To Exhale"
Out of curiosity, I have one question for all smokers. Why did you start smoking in the first place?
I started at 17 quit at 36 for 5 years. Started again at 41 had an aneurysm at 47 and quit again for 6 months. Started having strang "crap" happen to me (seizures? anxiety?) and felt isolated, alone, confused, bewildered, alien-a-nated, weird, strange, different, unheard, ignored, crazy, and finally abandoned. I started smoking again 7 months after my aneurysmal clipping. I had no where or no one to turn to but me. I needed comfort and peace. I needed to "Exhale". So, now its been a little over a year since I've started smoking. Only a few people and my dr's know that I have started smoking again and because I'm a closet smoker, I dont smoke very much (I know I shouldn't smoke at all).
I find peace,tranquility, like having a best friend when the stuff hits the fan and ya need to talk, like needing medicine, but they don't know what to prescribe, it levels me sometimes when I smoke. I enjoy it and it relaxes me (rules out anxiety). If I start feeling weird (the stuff I thinks is seizure activity) I wont light up.
I live on an emotional rollercoaster. I quit smoking every week (so I tell myself) until something happens again that sends me into a whirl-wind. No excuse, I shouldn't, but I do. I've decided that I don't care what others think of me, it clear what they dont think and Im by myself. I decided I must live and love me, because cleary no one else will (unless I'm living up to their expectations). Im not on a suicide mission, I just wanna live and be happy. I guess the word happy changes the word "live" to "Life".
Glad, I got that off my chest! I needed that : ) Thanks for bringing it up.