Thread just for Neil...

[Crash]

Help your neighbour type country??? How much do you charge for friendly favours Q???

 

[qtowngirl]

Depends on the favour.

 

[Loopy Lou]

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

 

[Crash]

Good one Lou!!!

 

[Crash]

Depends on the favour.

Thats a very vague answer Q,just admit it you give nought!!!

 

[Loopy Lou]

Haha i actually found a Ballymena joke (Where i'm from) :woot:

Old Sammy was lying on his deathbed in Ballymena. Maisie came in and knelt gently beside the bed.
'Sammy, she asked, 'Do you have any last wishes?'
'Och, Maisie, that's very kind, said Sammy. 'You know, I was thinking that I wouldn't mind a piece of thon boiled ham on the table.'
'Now, Sammy! said Maisie, 'you know very well that ham's for the funeral.'

 

[Loopy Lou]

Here's one for Hand Of Blood if she ever stops by (My Dad's from Larne too like, town in north east Ireland)

This man walked into a pub in Larne with a wee scabby dog under his arm, just in time to hear the Saturday afternoon soccer results on the radio.
'Linfield three, Larne nil.' said the announcer, at which point the dog shouted: 'Oh no!' and started bawling his head off.
More than astonished, the barman leaned over the counter and said: 'Here, mate, your dog just shouted "Oh no!"'
'I know,' said the dog's owner. 'He always does that when Larne lose.'
'What does he do when they win?' asked the barman.
I don't know,' said the owner. I've only had him for a year and a half.

 

[Crash]

A Scotsman,Englishman and Irishman have been stuck on a desert island for over a decade,when they stumble across a golden lamp.Irate the genie says"You lot have just woke me from my 15 year slumber,so ill grant you 3 wishes,1 wish each.
The scotsman says "I wish i was home sipping a dram"
The englishman says"I wish i was home sipping a nice pint off bitter"
The irish man goes "Im bored,can i have my friends back"

 

[Loopy Lou]

Haha good one Neil

Here's some more for ya

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

 

[qtowngirl]

The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Haha that was funny!!! Good one Lou.

 

[Crash]

Yes they were crackers Lou,i must admit

 

[CQ:)]

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !

 

[CQ:)]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

 

[Loopy Lou]

Woohoo an Aussie has entered the thread!

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

I think this could be the only time the Irish haven't come off the worst in the joke lol.

 

[Loopy Lou]

These are amusing

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

 

[CQ:)]

Woohoo an Aussie has entered the thread!

Yep I couldn't resist joining in .

I was going to try find some funny Aussie jokes but didn't have enough time this morning, so might look tonight.

 

[CQ:)]

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
______________________________________________________________________________________________
An Aussie woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
______________________________________________________________________________________________
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.

 

[CQ:)]

A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
_____________________________________________________________

A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
______________________________________________________________
A Scotsman applied for admission to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, "How would you dispense a large, unruly crowd?"

"Weel," replied the Scotsman, "I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.

 

[CQ:)]

You're Canadian if:

• You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
• You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
• You know what a tuque (toque?) is
• You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
• You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
• You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
• You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
• Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
• You drive on a highway, not a freeway
• You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
• You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
• You drink pop, not soda
• You love your fries with poutine
• You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
• Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
• You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
• You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
• "Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh"... eh?
• You know schools don't issue a snow day unless there is a severe blizzard
• You don't mind leaving your wet winter boots at the door when visiting your dentist, etc.
  

 

[CQ:)]

You may be living in Canada if:

• Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
• Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there
• You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
• “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
• You measure distance in hours
• You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
• You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
• You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
• You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
• The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
• You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
• You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
• You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly