Thread just for Neil...
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CQ:)
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Fedup,CQ
how do you do it, any more please.
Lets just say that Google is my friend :roflmao:.
I'm about to go of to my voluntary work for the day so not sure when I'll have time to post more.
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Haha these are great CQ, and yep most of them are true. It really does depend however what end of the country you live on. Poutine is a huge thing in the east/french end, but not so much in the west.
And yep, it's toque with a o.
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And guys I must say we gotta give credit where credit is due, I made this thread for my good friend and supporter and E Hater Neil, so if ya can try to use it for some of the best jokes for scotsman. Thanks!! Luv ya Neil!!
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A scots boy returns home to tell his mum he has a part in the school play.
"What part are you playing?" Asks the mother.
"Oh im playing the part off the scots husband",says the wee boy
Cursing,the mother says,"Get back and tell them you want a speaking part!!!
"What part are you playing?" Asks the mother.
"Oh im playing the part off the scots husband",says the wee boy
Cursing,the mother says,"Get back and tell them you want a speaking part!!!
Screamy
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One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it."
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it."
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
CQ:)
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The "Thrifty" Scots
The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy. But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.
Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy. But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.
Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
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seizingbeauty
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Alright so I'm Canadian by way of Scotish and Irish grandparents the standing joke is that
I'm a polite cheap drunk
I'm a polite cheap drunk
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seizingbeauty-If i wake up and remember being polite then im happy,if i wake up with rakes off money left im over the moon!
Janus-Luved that last joke!!!
.............and if i wake up with a black eye,then i know i was speaking when i should off been listening!!!
Janus-Luved that last joke!!!
.............and if i wake up with a black eye,then i know i was speaking when i should off been listening!!!
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Oh yes waking up to money leftover in the wallet is wonderful. Esp. something like this morning when there was money there and there hadn't been to begin with ??
onder: :woot:
Janus
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How do you know the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scottish man? Well the Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" The Scott says "Hey MacCloud get off of my ewe!" I remembered that one today and thought about this post, ha. It is raining all day(s) here and I was feeling for the sheep in Scotland.