Thread just for Neil...

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neil129

That is very well put and yes qtown you are missed so please hurry up.
 
Heres one for you Liam before i sign off....

An irish man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp
"We dont sell wasps",replies the shop assistant
"Yes you do,theres one in the window!!!

Sorry Liam,couldn't resist that parting gift,speak tommorow! :roflmao:
 
neil129

Thanks, not bad. Could you not try a bit harder I thought you lads in Scotland were afraid of no one. Does not look that way.

Sean was fishing and it started to rain,
so he moved under the bridge for shelter.
His pal McGinty saw him and called,
"Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."

Clever Irish man. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering
 
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neil129

Your a good friend but could you help me please. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I got arrested once, Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
 
Fedup said:
neil129

Thanks, not bad. Could you not try a bit harder I thought you lads in Scotland were afraid of no one. Does not look that way.

Remember when the Romans conqured(spelling)the British Isles They built Hadrians Wall to keep us Scots out,because they were petrified off us,not many countrys can say that now!!!


Haha Liam,that sounds like a BIG challenge,iv'e got tommorow off so ill dedicate it to you and some irish jokes,

But first i must go out and find a stray cat to test out your theory,might be intresting taping the toast on,and what height do i drop it from?

Anyhow Liam have a good night and ill speak to you soon.
Click to expand...
 
neil129

Its tomorrow, do not tell me tell me Scotsmen have a bad memory. Do your best.
 
This Scotsman does,must be the aeds,lol!!!

Sorry something came up today so i could only find this quick one,made me chuckle anyway

Why don't irish woman use vibrators?

Because it chips their teeth!
 
neil129

I owe you for that one I married an Irish woman. Hold on I am Irish something wrong here.
 
LOL!!! Well i think we can leave what happens in the bedroom department to you two.I think we should go back to normality eh?


ps-Does she wear false teeth,lol,lol,lol :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:




Beat that liam!
 
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neil129

That's it the gloves are off, no more mister nice guy, hi hold on a second how did you know about the teeth. What have you been up to. :roflmao:
 
Oh no Liam that was just an educated guess,looks like i was right!!! :roflmao:

Ill expect some good Scottish ones soon mate,cos looks like im winning for now :pfft:
 
neil129

Look now I got someone on my side, thank you seizingbeauty. Its time to even the score.

What do you call a scottish highlander with four sheep ?
A: A pimp.

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.

A Scotsmen and a Irish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.
 
seizingbeauty said:
Scotland... Where the men are men and the sheep are scared-and we actually pay when we are ahem finished!

Oh Liam wait till qtown comes back,you are in so much trouble.Looking for some real good ones for ya Liam.
Click to expand...
 
A woman goes into a police station and says "Officer,ive been molested by an Irishman"
The desk sergant goes "How do you know he was an Irishman?"
The woman replies "Well officer,i had to help him".
 
Here ill even put some Scottish ones in for a laugh

Its very easy to catch Scotsmen who make obscene phone calls.
They always try to reverse the charges.

They are remaking Silence of the Lambs for a Scottish audience.
Its being called "Shut up ewes two".
 
neil129

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'

The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter. Parking for Scottish only
The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale.'

McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening. They returned to her flat just before midnight and as she kissed him goodnight she said: "Be careful on your way home. I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening."

By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."

Qtown will be on my side Neil. A few more should chip in and help its hard work keeping you up. :pfft:
 
I just had to write this one cos i laughed and laughed when i read it........

An Irish man and an Apache are walking through the Navajo desert when they hears a "WOO,WOO" coming from a nearby cave.The Apache tears off his clothes and starts running towards the cave,shouting "WOO,WOO" in return.
"Why are you making that sound?" calls out the Irishman "And why the hell have you stripped off naked?"

The Apache shouts over his shoulder "Its a mating call".Theres a woman in that cave who needs a good seeing to! "WOO,WOO!" With that ,the Apache runs over to the cave and dissapears inside.Suddenly the Irishman hers another "WOO,WOO!" Coming from over the hill.He runs to the top off the hill and sees a large cave in the next valley.The "WOO,WOO!" Noise comes from the cave once more "Hang on ,me darlin'!"shouts the Irishman "I'm coming!"
The Irishman runs down the slope ,tearing off his clothes "WOO,WOO!" He shouts,and runs into the cave.Nextday the newspaper headlines read,"Naked Irishman run over by freight train!
 
Hamish comes home one afternoon,early from work and finds a plumbers van parked in his driveway.He turns pale and gulps,"Christ" he says "I hope thats her bloody boyfriend!"
 
Lassi says "Paddy we've been married along time. You're good lookin and I think you've slept with alotta women. I won't be mad but I would like to know how many if any. Paddy says. My lovely Lass you should know I never slept with anyone but you my Darlin. All the rest I was awake
 
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