CQ's Jokes

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This is wild!! Try it!

How smart is Your Right Foot?



Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.


2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.


I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!!!!


You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

From my sister.
 
Old Age and Survival



A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari
in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle
named SNACK along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies
and before long, Snack discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks,
'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap
the old poodle exclaims loudly,
'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack
in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him
and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close!
That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching
the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming
with the monkey on his back and thinks,
'What am I going to do now?',
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back
to his attackers, pretending he ha s n't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear,
the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey?
I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ..
age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Duplicity and brilliance
only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that you are old,
some are just more youthfully challenged.



You did notice the size of the print?
 
The Camel

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit,
he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
Sergeant why the camel is kept there.


The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, There are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
'urges'. That's why we have Molly the Camel.'


The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the
camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
 
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'62kg,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4'.

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
 
Shelley said:
How smart is Your Right Foot?



Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.


2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.


I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!!!!


You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

From my sister.
Click to expand...
I tried the foot and #6, but started out w/ my L foot before I got to the #6 and I was about to spin around!! lol
 
CQ:) said:


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari
in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle
named SNACK along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies
and before long, Snack discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks,
'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by,
he immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap
the old poodle exclaims loudly,
'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack
in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him
and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close!
That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching
the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming
with the monkey on his back and thinks,
'What am I going to do now?',
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back
to his attackers, pretending he ha s n't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear,
the old poodle says,
'Where's that damn monkey?
I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ..
age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Duplicity and brilliance
only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that you are old,
some are just more youthfully challenged.



You did notice the size of the print?
Click to expand...
I LOVED the size of the print!! I ain't blind now, but all "helps" help, lol - where in the world did you come from - you are awesome!! lol.
 
CQ:) said:
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit,
he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
Sergeant why the camel is kept there.


The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, There are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
'urges'. That's why we have Molly the Camel.'


The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the
camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
Click to expand...
oooo, dat's baaaad, is it ok if I copy it and send it in an email to a goofy friend??? Not your name ofcourse, just the joke?
 
Hi Gail

Glad you like my jokes.

I don't mind if you copy the jokes to share with other people.

I love my jokes & when I have any goods ones then I post them on here so people can get a good laugh & share with their friends.
 
My companion, a veteran, cracked up!!

:roflmao::roflmao:sent it to a cousin who is also a veteran and was in a desert way back when, my companion about fell down, laughing so hard.:roflmao::roflmao:

*******************************************
"Live and let live"
http://www.myspace.com/ziggidypoo :rose:
*******************************************
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed...Later that night, her husband returns home pissed
from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon
and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees
a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were .. or what we did ...
but we got FIRST and SECOND place.
 
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price.'
 
A frog goes walking into a bank, walks up to the teller and said he wanted to get a loan. He noticed on her name tag that her name was Patti Wack.

Frog: I need a loan,

Teller: Well I can't just give you a loan, you must provide me with some colateral, by the way, what is your name?

Frog: My last name is Jagger. maybe you've heard of my father - Mick- he's kind of famous.

The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a porcelin figurine and says "here, you can use this for my colateral".

Teller: Well, I'm not sure if you would qualify, I'll have to check with my manager.

She proceeds down the hall to the manager's office and said to the manager:
"There is a frog out there and he wants a loan, He says his last name is Jagger and we've probably heard of his famous father, he also gave me this figurine for colateral.

Bank Manager: That's a nick-nack Patti Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.

Randy
 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked
why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a
Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the
Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of
hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

Randy
 
A scientist was in his lab doing an experiment on a frog.
He told the frog to jump,it jumped 4 feet high.

The scientist then cut off one of the frog's legs and then said "jump frog jump" and the frog jumped three feet.

The scientist then cut off another leg and said "jump frog jump" and the two legged frog jumped two feet.

The scientist then cut off a third leg and said "jump frog jump" and the frog jumped one foot.

The scientist then cut off the forth leg of the frog and said"jump frog jump, jump frog jump, jump frog jump" and the scientist wrote in his observation book that frogs with no legs are deaf.

Randy
 
A young woman is admitted to the hospital where she has a baby.
After 3 days, she still hasn't seen her newborn, she says to the attending nurse "I've been in here for 3 days and haven't been able to see my baby, what's going on.
After 4 days she sees her O B and tells her that she's been in the hosp for 4 days and hasn't been able to see her baby. The O B says she will look into the matter.
After 5 days she sees her Doctor and tells him that she demands to see her baby or she'll sue the Hosp.
The Doctor says OK, I'll be right back.
The Doctor returns about a half hour later with a little bundle wrapped up in a blanket, he gently hands it over to her and says OK Mrs. Murphay, here's your baby.
Mrs Murphay pulls back the blanket and in disbelief, says "Oh no, my baby, it's a giant EAR, the Doctos says "thats the good news, the bad news is IT'S DEAF.

Randy
 
GOT TO LOVE TENNESSEE
> > A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his
>beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
> >
> > How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel?
> > When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the
>clerk replies, "Go ahead."
> >
> >
> > How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
> > There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
> >
> > Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
>to 32?
> > It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
> >
> > What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee?
> > Documentaries.
> >
> > Where was the toothbrush invented?
> > Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been
>called a teeth brush.

> > An Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the
>driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
> >
> > Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery?
> > (Come on- this is funny!)
> > The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
> >
> > The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
> > Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total
>loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't! even finished
>coloring one of them.
> >
> > A new law was recently passed in Tennesee. When a couple gets divorced,
>they are STILL Brother and Sister.
> >
> > A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
> > The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are
>ya?
> > "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
> > The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in
>Pennsylvania?"
> > "I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
> > The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is
>a tax-e-derm-ist?
> > "The man says,"I mount animals".
> > The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay
>boys, he's one of us!"

Randy
 
Seeing Eye Dog.

A blind man walks in to a general store.
He picks up his seeing eye dog and starts to swing it around by the tail, round and round and round.
The store clerk sees what he's doing to the dog and was very shocked and tried to stop the man from swinging the dog around, the blind man just said "I was just looking around".

Randy
 
Quick Thinking

A teenager was starting a new job at a grocery store, Produce Dept.
One afternoon, a man came in and asked if he could buy half a cabbage.
The clerk says "I'm sorry sir, you half to buy the whole thing" well the man was furious and said that his friend was in earlier and bought a half a cabbage so he wats to buy half a cabbage.
The clerk said " O K but I have to check with my boss"
As he was walking in to the back room, he didn't realize that the man was behind him, he yelled "HEY BOSS, SOME A--HOLE WANTS TO BUY HALF A CABBAGE" then he suddenly realized that the man was behind him so he used his quick thinking and said "AND THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS TO BUY THE OTHER HALF"

The next day he met with the store manager and the manager expressed how impressed he was yesterday for using his quick thinking. "We have a new store opening up in Toronto and we are looking for a manager, would you be interested in the job?"

CLERK - "No thanks, the only people that come out of Toronto are Hookers and Hockey players, at that the manager said "My wife is from Toronto."

CLERK - "What team did she play for?"

Randy
 
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