CQ's Jokes

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.'
 
ideas to beat recession

Keep your mobile phone conversations short and sharp - rather than "II
have some bad news, Jimmy.. your Aunt Cecilia has passed away" try "Cecilia.
Dead. Bye."

• Make a delightful long lasting table arrangement by putting a dead
stick into a vase. Makes an excellent conversation piece.

• An old pair of underpants can become a delightful tea-cosy. Makes an
excellent conversation piece.

• Belly button fluff can be saved up over the warmer months and then spun and
knitted into a lovely scarf for the winter.

• Always visit your friends around mealtimes.

• Spend a little money having your stomach stapled so you can't eat as
much of your food rations.

• Have your car converted Flintstones-style with a hole in the bottom so
you can walk your car to work.

• A thimble of methylated spirits mixed with orange juice makes a
refreshing summer beverage. Whatever you do, don't smoke.

• Buy a good colour photocopier and photocopy your remaining dollars to
multiply your savings.

• Save your used Band Aids® to stick posters on your wall.

• To turn toast back into bread, scrape and soak in water.

• Use both sides of the toilet paper.

• Why waste money on a baby sitter? Lock your kids in a cupboard.

• Paint colours on the leaves of your weeds to make them look like
flowers.

• No dishwasher? Try popping your dishes in the washing machine.

• Save on power bills by replacing our high wattage light bulbs with broken
ones.
 
One for the Ladies (and men who can take it)

One day my housework-challenge d husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blonde women are dumb...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

------------ --------- --------- --------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good, each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
 
Your Hair Smells Good!


A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into
her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual
harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and say's what's wrong with the
co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice.

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Randy
 
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


I've heard that one before but the punch line was "gay"
 
uh, er, sternum?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 
Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'computering',

And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny

And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...

The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.

That really did the trick...

I was just admiring my work..

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found

A real absorbing site.

That I got SO way into.

I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse

It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess...

While I sit here on my hiney.
 
Italian Grandma's Advice!

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

Nonna fainted!!
 
Pillsbury Dough Boy

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please
join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show
business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even
still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again,
but alas, he was no tart.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
3:50 for about twenty minutes.
 
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event
had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
Landlady.
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
 
Stan the Man writes:

People want to know if this is a good time to get back into stocks. I have a few tips.

Xerox and Wurlitzer are in merger talks. They will produce reproductive organs.

UPS and Federal Express will merge in 2009. The new company will be called FedUp.

Martha Stewart is opening a chain of 10 pin lanes and investors can get in on the ground floor. Tentative name for this project is Tidy Bowl.
 
Shelley said:
People want to know if this is a good time to get back into stocks. I have a few tips.

Xerox and Wurlitzer are in merger talks. They will produce reproductive organs.

UPS and Federal Express will merge in 2009. The new company will be called FedUp.

Martha Stewart is opening a chain of 10 pin lanes and investors can get in on the ground floor. Tentative name for this project is Tidy Bowl.
Click to expand...


Those remind me of the bumper sticker I saw on the construction companys truck that said "I'm an erection specialist".
 
One sunny day an old man approached the White House
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting
on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is
no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House
and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush
is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and
spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go
in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the
man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.

I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand.
I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
 
A Scotsman has been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years.
One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself,

'It canna be a ship.' And, as the speck gets closer and closer, he rules
out
the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

In the end there emerges from the surf a figure clad in a black wet-suit.

The scuba gear and the top of the wet suit are removed to reveal a
drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! The vision strides up to the stunned Scotsman
and says,

'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replies the dazed Scotsman. At which, she reaches into a
waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulls out a
fresh pack of Players Navy Cut. He takes one, lights it, and inhales
s-l-o-w-l-y. 'Aye,' he says, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!'

'And how long since you've had a drop of good Scotch whisky?' the blonde
enquires. Trembling, the castaway replies, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips another
pocket and removes a flask. He opens it and takes a l-o-n-g swig. 'Tis
nectar of the gods!' he sighs in gratitude. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front
of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the trembling man and
asks, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees. 'God almighty,'
he
sobs. 'Dinna tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'
 
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
Getting old

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy , winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
 
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