CQ's Jokes

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Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year,

the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

scroll down...................................










Sum Ting Wong

You know you laughed and you are going to send this on!!!
 
The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
 
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


(My mom just got a whole email with Irish jokes in it and sent it to me--I was cracking up when I read them!)
 
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"NO", shouts Paddy, "THIS IS HER HUSBAND!! "





Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but then I couldn't breathe".
 
Great jokes Literophile,

Irish jokes are like blonde & little Johnny. No matter how many times I've heard them or if they sound silly they still make me laugh :p
 
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.'
 
For all of you who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors.

The Sunday Sun Paper


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well f..k. I guess that's why no one was at church today"
 
Idiot Alert

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a
20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry
but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told
us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's
not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garagedoor repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near
Watford ...

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING'
sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of
road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a
Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to
cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the Driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
Handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
 
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
I remember hearing this one once, hopefully i can remember all the details.

An old woman walks into a bank with a suitcase full of money. She asks to see the bank president about depositing it all. He says "wow thats alot of

money you have there, how did you get it all?" She says "I make bets." He replies "What kind of bets?" She says "Ill bet you 20 grand that your balls

are square." Shocked he replies "Surely ma'am I assure you my balls are not square." The woman tells him she will be back in the morning at 8:30 to

inspect his balls. The woman arrives in the office with her lawyer at 8:30 and the bank president drops his trousers. The woman inspects his balls

thouroughly and finally says "well you were right, your balls are not square, guess its time for me to pay up." As the bank president is counting his money

he notices the lawyer is crying his eyes out. He asks the lady "Whats his deal?" She says "I bet him $250,000 I would have the Bank Presidents balls in

my hand at 8:30 this morning!" :rock:
 
oh, bull

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
 
disappointed

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

Sis
 
Thank you I needed a laugh. I hear that a laugh makes everyday better. Thank you. Lonnie
 
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree,
smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Sh****t dude...
How much water did you drink?'
 
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