CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!! ​

 

[Shelley]

op:

 

[Jake]

CQ your last joke reminded me of this one. Thanks for all the jokes you post, I really appreciate them. Jake

The Silver Gravy Ladle

A young college student invites his mother over to eat dinner with himself, and his new roommate. When she arrives, she can't help but notice, how beautifully stunning his new roommate is. The son tells her that they are, just roommates, they have a strictly platonic relationship and assures her that nothing is going on between them. The mother enjoys a nice dinner, and later goes home.
Two weeks later the girl goes to her roommate, and says that ever since your mother came over for dinner, I can't find my silver gravy ladle. The son writes his mother a letter saying..."Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver gravy ladle, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains, it has been missing since you came over for dinner".
The mother wrote a letter back to her son saying..."Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with your roommate, but the fact remains... if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now".
​

 

[CQ:)]

CQ your last joke reminded me of this one. Thanks for all the jokes you post, I really appreciate them. Jake

The Silver Gravy Ladle

A young college student invites his mother over to eat dinner with himself, and his new roommate. When she arrives, she can't help but notice, how beautifully stunning his new roommate is. The son tells her that they are, just roommates, they have a strictly platonic relationship and assures her that nothing is going on between them. The mother enjoys a nice dinner, and later goes home.
Two weeks later the girl goes to her roommate, and says that ever since your mother came over for dinner, I can't find my silver gravy ladle. The son writes his mother a letter saying..."Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver gravy ladle, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains, it has been missing since you came over for dinner".
The mother wrote a letter back to her son saying..."Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with your roommate, but the fact remains... if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now".
​

Hi Jake,

I've read that joke before but laughed when I saw it LMAO

 

[CQ:)]

Huck always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Misty looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Huck stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Misty, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"

Misty looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Huck, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Huck yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
Misty?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Misty replied.....
"Shoulda bought a hat, Huck. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[lonnie]

:clap: Thank you so much. Life is realy hard right now.A Laugh really helps lonnie

 

[CQ:)]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."



Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"



She replies, "It's me ............. talking to the wine."

 

[CQ:)]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the
Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
---------
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she
was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said...
"Not bad... I've been using that powdered stuff."
---------
The police came to my front door last night holding
a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered... "Yes." They said... "I'm afraid
it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said... "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
---------
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says...
"Blow me I know dis face but
I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says...
"You daft bastard it's me!"
---------
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell
and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that" says Paddy...
"but I couldn't breathe."
---------
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down
and throws it away. He carries on doing this until
Murphy says... "Why are you throwing them away?
"Because they're upside down" says Paddy.
"You daft prat" replies Murphy...
"save 'em for the ceiling!"

 

[Dutch mom]

The enhanted frog and the clever woman

Two women walk along the street as they notice a frog on the sidewalk.
Suddenly the frog calls out to them: "Ladies, I'm an enchanted frog, I really am a very wealthÿ banker. Pick me up and kiss me and you'll be rewarded well."
One of the women bends down, picks up the frog and puts it in her handbag.
"Why are you taking the frog instead off kissing it?", the other woman asks.
"Well, in times of financial crisis", she answers, "a talking frog is worth a lot more than a banker."

 

[lonnie]

Again I want to say thank you

I really need and appreciate the laughs:banana:

 

[travel bug]

A French Revolution joke in honor of Bastille Day

Three people are set to be executed by guillotine one day during the French Revolution: a priest, a drunk, and an engineer.

The executioner calls the priest forward first and asks, “Do you want to go to your death face up or face down?”
The priest replies,” I want to be face up so I can see Heaven where I know I’ll be going.” The executioner places the priest in the contraption, face up, and then pulls the cord to release the blade...but nothing happens. The executioner takes it as a sign from above and lets the priest go.

Next he calls for the drunk and asks the same question. The drunk says,” If it worked for the priest maybe it will work for me; put me face up.” Again the executioner places the victim face up and pulls the cord, and again, nothing happens, so the executioner lets the drunk go.

At last the executioner, frustrated by his previous failures, calls the engineer forward, and demands, “Face up or face down?” The engineer also chooses to be placed face up. The executioner roughly places the engineer face up into the contraption and reaches angrily for the cord. Just as the executioner is about try to release the blade, however, the engineer abruptly and triumphantly says,” Wait a minute! I see what your problem is.”

(Okay, maybe you have to have lived with an engineer to appreciate that one I nearly wet myself when my prof told that in French Civilization class, but I was the only one. It's just sooo like something my dad would do.)

 

[Dutch mom]

Mental health hotline voice mail

 

[lovemyladybug]

Two women walk along the street as they notice a frog on the sidewalk.
Suddenly the frog calls out to them: "Ladies, I'm an enchanted frog, I really am a very wealthÿ banker. Pick me up and kiss me and you'll be rewarded well."
One of the women bends down, picks up the frog and puts it in her handbag.
"Why are you taking the frog instead off kissing it?", the other woman asks.
"Well, in times of financial crisis", she answers, "a talking frog is worth a lot more than a banker."

good one & true !

 

[CQ:)]

HEALTH MESSAGE:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!






I'm retired, go around me!!

( Retirement is a full time job! )

 

[CQ:)]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Fortitude Valley Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

 

[CQ:)]

Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

 

[lovemyladybug]

Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

oh wow , my face hurts after that one ! too good

 

[CQ:)]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but
about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup
and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro,
you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie b***rds wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

[CQ:)]

New Puppy

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Blind Man
A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that

1.The bartender is a blonde woman.
2.The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3.The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.
4.I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
5.The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Football Game
A guy met this nice blonde girl and decided to ask her on a date. She said, “Yes,” so he took her to a football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“It was OK,” she said. “but there’s one thing I don’t understand. When they started the game, they flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. But then, for the rest of the game, everybody around us was shouting, “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back! I mean, it’s just a quarter.”

 

[CQ:)]

Blonde Inventions

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:

• Left handed pencil
• Clear correction fluid
• Black highlighter
• Waterproof tea bags
• Braille driving manual
• Dehydrated water
• Screen door on a submarine
• Helicopter ejection seat
• Air conditioning for motorcycle
• Wooden barbecue
• Glow-in-the-dark sun dial
• Gasoline fire extinguisher
• Battery-powered battery charger
• Fake rhinestones
• Fireproof matches
• Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
• Mesh umbrella
• Solar-powered flashlight