CQ's Jokes

[RanMan]

Little Johnny Strikes Again...
>
>
> The teacher asked the class to use the word
> "fascinate" in a sentence.
>
> Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
> we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
> fascinate, not fascinating."
>
> Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see RockCity, and
> I was fascinated."
>
> The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
> the word 'fascinate."
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand.
>
> The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
> before.
>
> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
> "fascinate," so she called on him for his offering..
>
> Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are
> so big she can only fasten eight."
>
> THE TEACHER SAT DOWN AND CRIED.

 

[CQ:)]

Stimulus

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla (the Prime Ministers residence). One is from
Canberra , another from Melbourne, and the third one is from Sydney. All three go with a government official to examine the fence. The Canberra contractor takes out a tape
measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me”.

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me”

The Sydney contractor doesn‚t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers “$2,700”. The
government official, incredulous, says “You didn‚t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with sucha high figure?”

The Sydney contractor whispers back “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the
Fence”.
“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

 

[CQ:)]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the preacher of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The preacher replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The preacher was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the preacher said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

 

[RanMan]

Little Johnny's sister


Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????








Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

 

[RanMan]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you're here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot.
Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
Moses,” replied the bird.

Moses?the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

 

[CQ:)]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

[crazychick10793]

these ones are so wrong, but gave me a good laugh

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The first man:" I have lied!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the water and was "saved".Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"

3 women are sitting around drinking and talking about their love lives
Carly says "i call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
Lauren giggled and confessed "i call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
all the while Maxine kept quiet until Carly asked "what do you call your husband?"
Maxine frowned and said "the postman-because he always delievers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box" :roflmao:

2 buddies were out hunting, and one says "i can see your house from here with my scope, and your wife is cheating on you with another man!"
the other man replies "god i'm sick of her and her crap. shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates!!"
his friend puts his gun up over his shoulder and says "ok. i can get that in one shot" :roflmao:

Q:what are 3 words you never want to hear while making love?
A: "Honey, i'm home!"

A man had 6 children, and he was very proud of his achievment. Despite his wife's objections, he started calling her "mother of 6" both in private and in public.
one day they went to a party.when the husband was ready to go, he called loudly "shall we leave now, Mother of six?"
Irritated by his lack of discretion, she shouted back "ready when you are, father of four!"

 

[CQ:)]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's
libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He
won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into
his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible,
doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked
the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it
in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,
'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never
be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

 

[Z J]

If at you don't succeed, try reading the instructions.

 

[Z J]

If at first you do not suceed, try to revolt.

 

[RanMan]

Subject: Fw: Sports Adds!!! dl



A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.


They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"




"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

 

[CQ:)]

Medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls"

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

 

[RanMan]

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him
questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law. '

 

[CQ:)]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



(It's a beauty)




(Wait for it)








(Get your best Chinese accent ready)












'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

 

[BuckeyeFan]

True story

My daughter and son-in-law passing a farm with their kids. Two new born calves were in the pasture.


Granddaughter: We should name them. What can we name them Mom?

Daughter: We should name them 'hamburger' and 'steak'.

Grandson: You can't name animals after food!

Son-in-law: Why not, you get hamburger and steak from cows.

Both kids: NO, you get milk from cows! You get hamburger from the store.

:roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

Hospital Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

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2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

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3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

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4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

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6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

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7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 

[CQ:)]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fu**in' widow."

 

[CQ:)]

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them... The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened. After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them... She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady.. Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

 

[CQ:)]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,
'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replied,
'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove thebottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to ahollow ground edge are fast ened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Foxtel Sports?'

 

[CQ:)]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples’.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA
LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHENWE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TOTHE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GETAS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.