CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Giving Up Wine

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[CQ:)]

Divorce Letter !!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S.
Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MYSISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
£49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that
morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So
take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

 

[CQ:)]

personal advert

This has to be one of the best 'singles' ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Melbourne Herald Sun last week..

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your ute, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call 0409 434 328 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....


Please scroll down ....

 

[CQ:)]

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.. You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Grey-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
'When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'
'You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat A**, Grey-haired, Decrepit Sob. Asked, 'what Did You Teach???

 

[BuckeyeFan]

Keep them coming CQ ...

... you always make my day!!!

:roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said..

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[CQ:)]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

 

[CQ:)]

A must read for grandparents

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

 

[CQ:)]

Adam & Eve said 'Lord,Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you, and who will be a reflection of my love for you.'

'This new companion will accept you as you are and, will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'you will call him DOG.'


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve. and loved them. And Dog was content.


Adam and Eve became filled with pride & adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.'


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .




And Cat didn't give a crap one way or other....

 

[CQ:)]

Why we love children

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
Was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
Innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
Didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
Finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
And out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
Tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
Asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
Tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
Children's' sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
Down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
Old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
Shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
Tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
Teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
Son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little
Went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
Falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
Farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
With the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
Too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

 

[CQ:)]

Petrol Prices!!!

PETROL PRICES!!!


I went into a petrol station today and asked for
Five dollars worth of gas.
The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

 

[Shelley]

Been there, done that

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
Read on..........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

[Shelley]

Oh, Beans

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor
of baked beans was more than I could stand. With
miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my
weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off
three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[CQ:)]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t.'

 

[CQ:)]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

 

[CQ:)]

OH! To Be 6 Again..
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing His wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her Favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

 

[CQ:)]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[Shelley]

Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Alabama recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain ' t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '
' Pet fish? '
' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '
' That ' s a bunch of hooey! Fish can ' t do that. '
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It ' s the truth Mr. Government Man. I ' ll show ya. It really works. '
' O. K. ' , said the warden. I ' ve got to see this! '
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '
' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.
The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '
' Call who back? '
' The FISH ' , replied the warden!
' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[CQ:)]

Kids

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. ?

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[CQ:)]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.