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CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
THIS CLEARLY IS A LOAD OF B'''''S but I'm sure you will enjoy!!!!
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
Men just don't listen
MARION'S dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Marions's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
MARION'S dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Marions's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
- Messages
- 1,604
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 163
My sister and I are swapping jokes
Priceless!
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for the FIFTH Freakin' time, CHICKEN!"
Priceless!
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for the FIFTH Freakin' time, CHICKEN!"
BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
- 1,920
- Reaction score
- 15
- Points
- 163
Knowledge
KNOWLEDGE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.
The stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger....
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it a minute and says, " Wow... I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
sh**?
onder:
KNOWLEDGE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.
The stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger....
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it a minute and says, " Wow... I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
sh**?
onder:
- Messages
- 3,450
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 0
:roflmao: :woot: :banana:
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet,'which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never,ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never,ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red Cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: "That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thankyou,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the Dog's collar, and one to the Cat's testicles!
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the Cat's' Collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and then at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: "That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thankyou,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the Dog's collar, and one to the Cat's testicles!
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the Cat's' Collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and then at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
10 Peeves dogs have about humans
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!
--------------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!
--------------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
--------------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!
--------------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!
--------------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
--------------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
BuckeyeFan
Grandpa
- Messages
- 1,920
- Reaction score
- 15
- Points
- 163
Enemies
Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the !@#$%^&."
Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the !@#$%^&."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
- Messages
- 3,450
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 0
:roflmao:
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
Yep you're right Robin T.G.I.F does stand for Thank God I'm Female. People also say T.G.I.F (Thank God It's Friday). I don't know how many people really need to say T.G.I.F to work out where their breast go though LOL :roflmao:.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door a nd shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy ."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?"
"No, I think you have the wrong number......"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door a nd shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy ."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?"
"No, I think you have the wrong number......"
- Messages
- 1,604
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 163
Homer Simpson
Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson
You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life -- uh, Christianity.
-- Homer Simpson, telling what religion the family belongs to
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
-- Homer Simpson, Homer's attitude to God
No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.
-- Homer Simpson, to store proprietor and Hindu, Apu Nahaasapeemapetilon
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer Simpson
"Phfft! Facts. You can use them to prove anything.
-- Homer Simpson
Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
-- Homer Simpson
It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
-- Homer Simpson
Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
-- Homer Simpson
In this house, we obey the laws of Thermodynamics!
-- Homer Simpson
You don't win friends with salad.
-- Homer Simpson
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
-- Homer Simpson
Trying is the first step towards failure.
-- Homer Simpson
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
-- Homer Simpson
If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer Simpson
To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
-- Homer Simpson
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
-- Homer Simpson
I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
-- Homer Simpson
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
-- Homer Simpson
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!
-- Homer Simpson
They have the Internet on computers now?
-- Homer Simpson
Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like -- love!
-- Homer Simpson
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson
Do I know what rhetorical means?
-- Homer Simpson
Is there nothing doughnuts can't do?
-- Homer Simpson
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
-- Homer Simpson
Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!
-- Homer Simpson
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
-- Homer Simpson
We paid for all this stuff ourselves -- so thanks for nothing!
-- Bart, praying
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
-- Homer Simpson
Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson
You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life -- uh, Christianity.
-- Homer Simpson, telling what religion the family belongs to
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
-- Homer Simpson, Homer's attitude to God
No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.
-- Homer Simpson, to store proprietor and Hindu, Apu Nahaasapeemapetilon
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer Simpson
"Phfft! Facts. You can use them to prove anything.
-- Homer Simpson
Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
-- Homer Simpson
It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
-- Homer Simpson
Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
-- Homer Simpson
In this house, we obey the laws of Thermodynamics!
-- Homer Simpson
You don't win friends with salad.
-- Homer Simpson
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
-- Homer Simpson
Trying is the first step towards failure.
-- Homer Simpson
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
-- Homer Simpson
If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer Simpson
To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
-- Homer Simpson
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
-- Homer Simpson
I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer Simpson
Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
-- Homer Simpson
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
-- Homer Simpson
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!
-- Homer Simpson
They have the Internet on computers now?
-- Homer Simpson
Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like -- love!
-- Homer Simpson
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson
Do I know what rhetorical means?
-- Homer Simpson
Is there nothing doughnuts can't do?
-- Homer Simpson
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
-- Homer Simpson
Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!
-- Homer Simpson
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
-- Homer Simpson
We paid for all this stuff ourselves -- so thanks for nothing!
-- Bart, praying
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
-- Homer Simpson