CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

 

[CQ:)]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

 

[CQ:)]

 

[CQ:)]

 

[Birdbomb]

little ol ladies

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

 

[brain]

:roflmao: :clap: :roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

little ol ladies

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

 

[CQ:)]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided
to try bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown
bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he
turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That
was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either
I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the
latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with
Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he
found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after,
there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to
him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either
I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate
with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the
grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before
Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed
back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly
bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later,
there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to
find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it
Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Birdbomb]

GM had developed technology like Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[CQ:)]

Costello Calls Abbott To Buy A Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer.
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have.
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommend something?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, What did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need.
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in Office for Windows.
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a licence to copy Money.
COSTELLO:They can give you a licence to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...........

 

[CQ:)]

Questions you can't answer

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
  
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
  
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
  
• What is the speed of darkness?
  
• Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
  
• Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
  
• If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
  
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  
  Did you ever stop and wonder......
  
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
  
• Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
  
• Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
  
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
  
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  
  Stop singing and read on.......
  
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  

 

[CQ:)]

WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLE CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES!

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show,
you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

 

[Shelley]

Either this or Power of Pets

KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DOING RESCUE TOO LONG WHEN....

You have a mental list of people you'd like to spay, neuter or euthanize.

You stopped at a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in the yard to have an
Educational "Chat," and your kids had to post your bail.

Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.

You not only KNOW all the characteristics of a good "stool," you discuss
them at dinner.

Your checks have messages on them like "Subtract Two Testicles For Every
Four Feet."

You have a bumper sticker that reads "My German Shepherd Is Smarter Than
Your Graduate Student."

You secretly wonder about such things as how animals can manage without
wiping.

You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.

You have phone calls forwarded to PetsMart.

You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their
ears.

Given the choice of having your teeth cleaned or their teeth cleaned,
they get their teeth cleaned.

You not only allow pets on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor
because the dog has "territorial issues."

Your spouse missed the final game of the World Series because the cat
wanted to watch his favorite video, "Birds of North America."

Anytime the animal appears lethargic, you go on-line and investigate
vetmed websites, pose questions to your address book and on e-lists, and
by the time you digest all the information and field the correspondence, the
animal has torn out the window screens, and left something disgusting in your
favorite pair of shoes.

Your chatroom handle is "Queen of Spayeds."

You and your vet are on a first name basis and he genuflects when you
enter the waiting room. His daughter at Harvard refers to you as "Auntie."

You needed a prescription to recover from "Old Yeller."

You've forwarded more warnings about the dangers of chocolate, onions and
mistletoe than the National Center for Disease Control has issued about
anthrax and smallpox.

You wear white year 'round, not because you are flaunting a fashion law
or belong to a religious sect but because it is BLEACHABLE.

The world would never guess from your "critterspeak" posts to
e-lists that in reality you are chairman of the IBM corporation.

By the time you investigate different flea control products, their
advantages and potential risks,natural versus chemical methods, and study
the life cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of old age.

You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.

For relaxation, you went mall hopping with your girlfriends. Your eyes
glazed over when you saw a sign in front of a pet shop, "20% Off All
Puppies & Kittens," and you slapped three security guards before they got
you safely contained in the manager's office.

People are still talking about your spay-neuter holiday greeting from
last year, "Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies.

 

[BIGMAN131307]

May be advisable to NOT try some of the listings 'at home'!!
=====================================
When you have young boys, you discover...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in some cities has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[CQ:)]

It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car yard, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
We can't drive."
Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

 

[Birdbomb]

Boys will be boys!

 

[CQ:)]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog,

tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.


Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,

"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.


"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied

up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand.

Your dog needs to be bred."



"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread.

She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand;

your dog wants to have sex!"


(You gotta love this)


The redneck looked at the cop and said,

"Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

 

[BuckeyeFan]

:clap::roflmao:

 

[brain]

:cop:

So that's how Police Dogs comes to being???

onder: :roflmao:

 

[BuckeyeFan]

Two Sisters

A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."