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Kids view on angels...........
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. -- Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget
why, but scientists are working on it. -- Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven,
then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got
to agree to wear those angel clothes. -- Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something
else. -- Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for
science. -- Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!. -- Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main
subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -- Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And
when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -- Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an
angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. -- Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good
carpenter. -- Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go
for it. -- Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on
helping me while she was still down here on earth. -- Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get
over it. -- Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot arrows at them.
Angels help God sort out all the messages he gets every Sunday morning.--- Phil
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. -- Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget
why, but scientists are working on it. -- Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven,
then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got
to agree to wear those angel clothes. -- Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something
else. -- Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for
science. -- Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!. -- Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main
subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -- Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And
when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -- Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an
angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. -- Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good
carpenter. -- Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go
for it. -- Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on
helping me while she was still down here on earth. -- Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get
over it. -- Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot arrows at them.
Angels help God sort out all the messages he gets every Sunday morning.--- Phil
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
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Veteran
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Office dares and more
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style " and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob. "
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The reports on your desk, Mon. " Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8 ) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am slot: "See how I look in tights." (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" " Never mind, it's gone now. "
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, Pig Latin, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18 ) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts
and if that wasn't enough for you...
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
20) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
23) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN"
24) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
25) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy. "
26) Dont use any punctuation
27) Use, too...much; punctuation!
28 ) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
29) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
30) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
30) Sing along at the opera.
32) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
33) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
34) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
35) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
36) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
37) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
38 ) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style " and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob. "
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The reports on your desk, Mon. " Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8 ) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10 am slot: "See how I look in tights." (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" " Never mind, it's gone now. "
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, Pig Latin, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18 ) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts
and if that wasn't enough for you...
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
20) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
23) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN"
24) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
25) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy. "
26) Dont use any punctuation
27) Use, too...much; punctuation!
28 ) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
29) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
30) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
30) Sing along at the opera.
32) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
33) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
34) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
35) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
36) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
37) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
38 ) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
- Messages
- 2,397
- Reaction score
- 10
- Points
- 0
Mammogram Exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can? Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. You are now properly prepared!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can? Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. You are now properly prepared!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisspatarians"
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisspatarians"
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- 0
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the
modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou
are transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy
butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital
region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as
thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is
sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to
escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests
in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house
plants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
Cat Commandments
OMG that was soooo funny. We have a cat that adopted us. He was abandoned so we took him in. He's so much fun. He does all that stuff...well most of it. Mr. Alex is his name ha ha. He tries to kill me on a daily basis as I walk up or down the stairs running in front of me unexpectedly ha ha. I'm onto his ways though. ha ha. s-j:roflmao:
OMG that was soooo funny. We have a cat that adopted us. He was abandoned so we took him in. He's so much fun. He does all that stuff...well most of it. Mr. Alex is his name ha ha. He tries to kill me on a daily basis as I walk up or down the stairs running in front of me unexpectedly ha ha. I'm onto his ways though. ha ha. s-j:roflmao:
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Veteran
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Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
alivenwell
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Well, my dog sits on window sills, eats fish, loves milk and makes weird sounds like momma! She's a mutt....I wonder if there's cat in her! She's totally wild after a good bath.
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Veteran
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Three-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say .
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull***t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there .
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy .
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend .
3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say .
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull***t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there .
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy .
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend .
3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course
Last edited:
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
Tips for ladies in year 2008
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life give you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka
12. Remember every good looking, sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend
13. Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work that might need a reason to smile
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life give you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka
12. Remember every good looking, sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend
13. Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work that might need a reason to smile
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,501
- Reaction score
- 303
- Points
- 198
2007 Women Drivers Award
The 2007 Women Drivers Award
10th Place Goes to:
9th Place Goes To:
8th Place Goes To:
7th Place Goes To:
6th Place Goes To:
5th Place Goes To:
4th Place Goes To:
The Bronze Medal Winner:
The Silver Medal Winner:
Her helmet is being worn backwards
And finally, here is our 2007 Women Drivers Awards ..
*** Gold Medal Winner ***
WOW ! ! How the heck...?!?
Oh never mind.... CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2007 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thank you to all contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile
The 2007 Women Drivers Award
10th Place Goes to:
9th Place Goes To:
8th Place Goes To:
7th Place Goes To:
6th Place Goes To:
5th Place Goes To:
4th Place Goes To:
The Bronze Medal Winner:
The Silver Medal Winner:
Her helmet is being worn backwards
And finally, here is our 2007 Women Drivers Awards ..
*** Gold Medal Winner ***
WOW ! ! How the heck...?!?
Oh never mind.... CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2007 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thank you to all contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile