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CQ:)
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
TeeTees
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Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night a drunk leads the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night a drunk leads the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
CQ:)
Veteran
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Dear Tide:*
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
TeeTees
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3 Little Ducks....
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
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- Reaction score
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The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
* A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
* A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the
girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem upset at all.Whew! Got away with that one!Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.
"When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the
girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem upset at all.Whew! Got away with that one!Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.
"When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
:roflmao:
BIGMAN131307
Veteran
- Messages
- 3,665
- Reaction score
- 195
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- 178
The Ranks of a Hospital
Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals
Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls
Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself
Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!
Can you spare any change?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Cheers
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop
The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."
The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”
The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"
Veal Cutlets and Pancakes
"Well, doctor, have you received the results of my tests?" the patient asked.
"Yes, Mr. Smith, and I'm afraid I've got some really bad news for you. You've got VD, AIDS and Mad Cow Disease".
"Oh, no! What treatment can you give me?"
"We're going to take you into the hospital, give you your own private room, and put you on a diet of veal cutlets and pancakes."
"Veal cutlets and pancakes? Delicious! I never realized that those delicious foods could help cure me!"
"They won't, but they're easy to slide under the door."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
Brain Transplant
In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"
Birth Controlled Sleep
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
T
he woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
65 year old Mom
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit.
We came to see the new baby?" one said. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "Not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."
Is my time up?
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you!!!
Healthy Diet
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"So Doc, what do you think is the matter with me?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Memories
A medical student was visiting his elderly grandfather and was asking him about the various medications that he was currently taking. "So, I understand that you're taking Ginkoba. Have you noticed any improvement with your memory ?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know," grandfather replied. "I never remember to take it !!"
Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.
Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.
If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.
( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )
Who to call .... The Proctologist or The Ophthalmologist??
A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town. Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table. During the night, he drank the water and swallowed the eye.
A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D. The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of a**holes before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me."
The Evolution of Medicine
Patient: I have an earache ...
Doctor:
2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
God and I are tight
An 80-year old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.
"WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God
Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved
General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God
Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals
Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls
Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself
Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!
Can you spare any change?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Cheers
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop
The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."
The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”
The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"
Veal Cutlets and Pancakes
"Well, doctor, have you received the results of my tests?" the patient asked.
"Yes, Mr. Smith, and I'm afraid I've got some really bad news for you. You've got VD, AIDS and Mad Cow Disease".
"Oh, no! What treatment can you give me?"
"We're going to take you into the hospital, give you your own private room, and put you on a diet of veal cutlets and pancakes."
"Veal cutlets and pancakes? Delicious! I never realized that those delicious foods could help cure me!"
"They won't, but they're easy to slide under the door."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
Brain Transplant
In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"
Birth Controlled Sleep
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
T
he woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
65 year old Mom
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit.
We came to see the new baby?" one said. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "Not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."
Is my time up?
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you!!!
Healthy Diet
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"So Doc, what do you think is the matter with me?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Memories
A medical student was visiting his elderly grandfather and was asking him about the various medications that he was currently taking. "So, I understand that you're taking Ginkoba. Have you noticed any improvement with your memory ?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know," grandfather replied. "I never remember to take it !!"
Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.
Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.
If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.
( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )
Who to call .... The Proctologist or The Ophthalmologist??
A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town. Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table. During the night, he drank the water and swallowed the eye.
A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D. The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of a**holes before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me."
The Evolution of Medicine
Patient: I have an earache ...
Doctor:
2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
God and I are tight
An 80-year old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.
"WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
- Messages
- 2,397
- Reaction score
- 10
- Points
- 0
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
IF YOU WERE A GIRL IN THE 70'S...
You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal
wheels.
You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)
You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island .
You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie", not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill".
People sometimes thought you were a boy.
You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
YEAH! You owned a "Slip-n-Slide" , on which you injured yourself on a sprinkler head more than once.
You owned "Klick-Klacks" and smacked yourself in the face more than once !
Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits, or the sunshine family
You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
The swing set tipped over at least once.
You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. (Oh yeah!)
You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle). You also had a pair of salt-water sandals.
You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Oleson!
You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink!
PONG! ("video tennis" ) was the most remarkable futuristic game you've ever
heard of !
Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it
"pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
When you walked, the "wings" flapped up and down, looked like you were gonna
"take off"
You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic. .
You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was
your boyfriend.
YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would
come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or David Cassidy?"
You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.
You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.
You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume
books. (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)
You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics. (?? its not??)
You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
You drowned yourself in Love's Baby Soft - which was the first "real" perfume you ever owned.
You glopped your lips in Strawberry Roll-on lip-gloss till it almost dripped off.
You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal
wheels.
You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)
You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island .
You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie", not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill".
People sometimes thought you were a boy.
You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
YEAH! You owned a "Slip-n-Slide" , on which you injured yourself on a sprinkler head more than once.
You owned "Klick-Klacks" and smacked yourself in the face more than once !
Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits, or the sunshine family
You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
The swing set tipped over at least once.
You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color. (Oh yeah!)
You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle). You also had a pair of salt-water sandals.
You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Oleson!
You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink!
PONG! ("video tennis" ) was the most remarkable futuristic game you've ever
heard of !
Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it
"pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
When you walked, the "wings" flapped up and down, looked like you were gonna
"take off"
You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic. .
You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was
your boyfriend.
YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would
come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or David Cassidy?"
You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album.
You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.
You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume
books. (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)
You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics. (?? its not??)
You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
You drowned yourself in Love's Baby Soft - which was the first "real" perfume you ever owned.
You glopped your lips in Strawberry Roll-on lip-gloss till it almost dripped off.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
*11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."
8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."*
AND THE #1 WINNER IS.... "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
*11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."
8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."*
AND THE #1 WINNER IS.... "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York city public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy,
are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
New York city public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy,
are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in
classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in
classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
- Messages
- 1,604
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 163
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor
cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do,
probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with
the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....
Its true!
CQ:)
Veteran
- Messages
- 4,583
- Reaction score
- 360
- Points
- 198
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping....
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping....