CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping....

 

[CQ:)]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy, for example.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Susan listened to the instructor declare:
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men in the group.-
"Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Susan's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

 

[CQ:)]

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6) Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

 

[brain]

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

But what happens if you have NO teeth
or you're wearing dentures?

(ducking head)

hee hee hee hee!

op:

 

[CQ:)]

But what happens if you have NO teeth
or you're wearing dentures?

(ducking head)

hee hee hee hee!

op:

Guess you definately can't touch all your teeth if you don't have any LMAO.

Nothing said that you couldn't try with false teeth LOL :bigsmile:

 

[CQ:)]

Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

 

[CQ:)]

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus !​

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
   
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
   
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
   
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
   
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
   
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
   
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
   
8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
   
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
   
10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
    
11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
    
12. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
    
13. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
    
14. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
    
15. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
    
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
    
17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
    
18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
    
19. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

 

[CQ:)]

"Thank you Letters for the 12 days of Christmas Gifts'


14th December

My dearest darling John,
I went to the front door today and the Postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightfully romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the wonderful thought.

With deep love and affection always,
Your ever loving, Agnes

15th December

My dearest John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift – two turtle doves!! I am delighted. They are adorable.
All my love,
Your ever loving, Agnes

16th December

Dearest John,
Oh! How extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens! I insist you are too kind.

Your loving, Agnes

17th December

Dear John,

What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness is really too much.

Love, Agnes

18th December

My dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five gold rings – one for each finger. You really are an impossible boy – but I love you! Frankly all those birds that you sent are beginning to squawk a bit and get on my nerves.

Your ever loving, Agnes

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step. So we are back to the birds again are we? Where on earth do you think I can keep them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can’t sleep at
night. Please stop.

Cordially yours - Agnes.


20th December


John,
What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I get seven swans a swimming. Is that some sort of a goddamned joke or what? The house is full of bird sh*t and the racket! I'm beginning to become a nervous wreck. So, it’s not funny anymore. Stop sending the
bl**dy birds!!

Yours, Agnes.



21st December

O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It’s not enough with all these birds. Now I have eight cows sh*tting all over the house and mooing all night.

Lay off, smart a**se, Agnes.


22nd December

Look Sh*t head,
What are you, some kind of nut? Now I've got nine pipers playing and Christ – do they play!!? When they aren't blowing on the sodding pipes, they are chasing the maids through
the cow sh*t. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the blo**dy birds and
the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

You'll get yours, Agnes.



23rd December

YOU ROTTEN B*AST**D,
Now I've got ten ladies dancing! How on earth anyone can call these “whores”, ladies, is beyond me. They're b*lling the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and
have diarrhea, my living room is a river of sh*t and the landlords have just
declared the building unfit for habitation.

P*ss off, Agnes.

24th December

Listen F**kh**d,
What with eleven lords a leaping all over the maids and me, we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are committing S*d*my with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting among the cow sh*t, having been trampled underfoot in the orgy but not before they had swallowed my gold rings. I hope you are satisfied,
you rotten vicious sh*t house.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December

You STINKING LOUSY SH*T,
Twelve drummers drumming have turned up and what with the pipers are making one hell of a bl**dy racket. Both lots have been getting at the lords as well as the cows – and goodness knows what’s happened to the milkmaids. They've probably drowned in the
cow sh*t by now. The only way I've saved myself from getting scr*w*d to death is by hiding up that sodding pear tree, which has been so well fertilised that it’s grown through the roof.

I send you Seasonal Greetings, Bollocks to You. Agnes.

 

[CQ:)]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[alivenwell]

Check out this link! It will give a new perspective to grocery shopping!





This is inspiration for my New Year's healthy diet!

 

[Birdbomb]

The cat's chalkboard assignments

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

 

[CQ:)]

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

 

[CQ:)]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $65,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter >girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."

 

[Birdbomb]

 

[Birdbomb]

WHY DOGS BITE PEOPLE

 

[brain]

Lol!

Well I would BITE YOU TOO
if you dressed ME up like that!

fft:

 

[CQ:)]

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.

 

[Birdbomb]

 

[spinnymommy]

:roflmao:

 

[Shelley]

victorias secret