CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

"Taxi Meter"

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago
and asked to be taken to the O'Hare Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded,
"Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh!
Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting
to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars
were passing his Ford, when yet another car passed
the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter,
and said, "That'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

 

[CQ:)]

5 Nuns in Town

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to her barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.


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Too cute not to forward

GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOUR, LORD.
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOUR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK.​

 

[CQ:)]

Eves side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going?' Inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.'

'It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, scratching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,'
reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, etc........she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'you know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's
see............where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

 

[CQ:)]

Have You Spoken To Him Also

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pinkand Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as call centre manager for TELSTRA problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

 

[angel]

A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

'honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now'.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
'fix The Lights Now?

Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?

I Don't Think So'.

Fine,

Then The Wife Asks,

'well Then, Could You Fi X The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right '

To Which He Replied,
'fix The Fridge Door?

Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?

I Don't Think So'.

'fine', She Says

'then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break '

'i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps'.

He Says, 'does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?

I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!! '

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours...................................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House, He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House, He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working.

As He G Oes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

'honey', He Asks, 'how'd All This Get Fixed?'

She Said, 'well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.

J Ust Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake'.

He Said,
'so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?'

She Replied,
'hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'

 

[Shelley]

It's St. Paddys' day

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

 

[CQ:)]

Thanks Shelley

They were great

 

[brain]

 

[CQ:)]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

 

[CQ:)]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for
200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

 

[CQ:)]

How To Call The Police

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door
and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

 

[CQ:)]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my deck, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Camille from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted 'You lazy bugger! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your backside and give her a break!' I thought 'Goodness! ... Women!' and I took a slug from my bottle of Homebrew, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray bans, stared directly at this nosey neighbour, and told her in no uncertain terms 'butt out and mind your own business. My wife has a green thumb, and she really enjoys gardening'. After a few days I felt really bad so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.
Yes fellas, after all one should take good care of the wife ... that way maybe she'll take good care of you.

 

[CQ:)]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'. I jumped down and walked out of the office. (just as luck had it there was a trapeze on the ceiling for me to hang from
and i am an adept gymnast capable of getting up and down swiftly and with ease)

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '... And where do you think you're going?' She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

 

[CQ:)]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that..."

 

[CQ:)]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ....
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is.

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[brain]

:roflmao:

Good Post CQ!

:agree:

 

[BuckeyeFan]

Teachers

:roflmao:

My sister teaches 1st grade. I am sure she has met everyone of these kids over the last 20+ years.

 

[CQ:)]

Technical Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

=================================

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.... it's still on my desk.. sorry....

=================================

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

=================================

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

=================================

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

=================================

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

=================================

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

=================================

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work..

=================================

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

=================================

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

=================================

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

=================================
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

=================================

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

=================================

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

=================================

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

[CQ:)]

Job Description - PARENT

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad , Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION
Long term, team players needed , for challenging permanent work in an,often chaotic environment .
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed .
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES
The rest of your life .
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 .
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly .
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers .
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices .
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst .
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required unfortunately .
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses .
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that uni will help them become financially independent .
When you die, you give them whatever is left .
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do . . . or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job

*** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!***

 

[CQ:)]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm And
The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.
"that Was My Pager," She Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Older Woman Felt Very Low -tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.

She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Older Woman Finally Said.........well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!!