CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this…)

'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !!!'

 

[johnbear]

A man walk out to the street and catches a taxi just going by... He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman..He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming when you needed a cab, things happened that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was really something special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I could change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, Some guy then.'

Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them, but Frank he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes always
highly polished too. He was the perfect man and he never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f___ing wife.'

 

[CQ:)]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.’ The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob , do me a favor... Follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

 

[CQ:)]

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[CQ:)]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your Honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

 

[johnbear]

Subject: Rye Bread

Two older guys, One 60 and one 67 were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 67 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 60 year old was amazed at his friends stamina and asked what he did to have so much energy.
The 67 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So on the way home the 60 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves, by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh_t but me!"

 

[MaeDae]

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON butt!!

 

[MaeDae]

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she
suffered from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now.

So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."

At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the
woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a
prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

 

[CQ:)]

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humor!" The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s*** on your lap."

 

[MaeDae]

this forum is great!!! had a blast reading all the jokes. More, More, anchor, anchor, I mean, encore! encore! : )

 

[CQ:)]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and
he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale"

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice
looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a
dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA
In no time at all they had me jetting from Country to
Country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running... But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to
settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling
him so cheap?"
"Because he's a Bullshitter. Hes never been
out of the yard."

 

[MaeDae]

lol, lol, lol,

 

[MaeDae]

funny stuff!

 

[johnbear]

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer)could hardly hear She took it to the vet and he cleaned both ears out and the dog could hear just fine. He told her to buy some Nair hair remover and rub it the dogs ears once a month to avoid this problem.

She went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist for some Nair and he said if you are using this under your arms, "Don't use deodorant for a few days".

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms".

He said, "If you're using it on your on legs, don't shave for a few days".

She said, "I'm not using on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The Pharmacist says, "in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[CQ:)]

I was out walking with my Grandson.
He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth.
I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
'Why' my Grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground;
you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said to him,
"all Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but he was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

 

[CQ:)]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor.
"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate."A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me "

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
The pirate said. "It was the first day with the hook."

 

[CQ:)]

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”.

____________________________________________________________________________________________
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Her grades were good — mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Sally gets it from her mother. Please let me know if your idea works.”.

 

[CQ:)]

A Teenager Is…
-A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver’s license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

 

[qtowngirl]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the river and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.
“Yes!” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.”
And so the Lord let her keep him.
Moral of the story: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Signed, All Women

 

[CQ:)]

Never lose your Grandpa
A heart warming Story

A small boy who was shopping with his Grandfather got lost at the shopping mall ......
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my Grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big breasts."