CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Four Worms in Church

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

 

[CQ:)]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO S**T.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

 

[CQ:)]

Two old men decided they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

 

[CQ:)]

The 1.99 Special

An elderly couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £1.99.
'Sounds good,' the wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you £2.50 because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' the wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' the wife said..
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

 

[CQ:)]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'm so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.'

The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'Kiss me and you won't be sorry!'

So! The older lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

The prince then returned the older lady's kiss.
Suddenly the older lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now you can guess what the older lady turned into?

Come on guess!



*

*

*

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She turned into the first travelodge she could find!!!
She's older..... Not bloody dead!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK

 

[qtowngirl]

Bumper Stickers LOL.

God Created Man, Laughed, Then Created Woman

Silly Boys - Trucks Are For Girls

OBUMMER

A Penny for Your Thoughts-A Dollar if You Flash Me

Country Music. A million songs about the same bitch.

The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

The Rev. Charles Spurgeon departed for heaven at 6:30am. today. 10:45am - Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.

Under my gruff exterior lies a gruffer interior.

Copywight 2004 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

It’s not PMS, it’s Y-O-U. (lol, my fave!!)

Next time wave all of your fingers.

I do what the voices in my WIFE’s head tell me.

Procrastinators Anonymous. Next Meeting Eventually.

Dip Me In Chocolate and Throw Me to the Lesbians!

I Have Few Faults, but I Try To Make the Most of Them.

Tell Your Breasts To Stop Looking Me In The Eyes

Life is no remote - You have to get off your ass to change it.

OK, Who's Horny?

 

[qtowngirl]

This is (apparently) a true story rather than a joke, but it was too funny not to share.


Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

 

[Crash]

This is (apparently) a true story rather than a joke, but it was too funny not to share.


Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

A nice refreshing blast of karma there,lol!!!

 

[CQ:)]

Little Old Dear in court

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening.
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b****rd.

 

[CQ:)]

A man entered the bus with both of his pants pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

 

[CQ:)]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

 

[CQ:)]

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week playing bowls and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowls team ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 10th end.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Blimey Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

 

[qtowngirl]

Lol lol lol!!!

 

[lonnie]

great

also gives a laugh to someone who needs one

 

[qtowngirl]

Find Inner Peace (anon. joke)

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

 

[CQ:)]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother told her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

 

[CQ:)]

A bloke sat in his armchair & shouts to his wife,
"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you love!"
she shouts back "you already do you lazy b***ard !! "

 

[CQ:)]

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well !
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers:
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[CQ:)]

Excuses for Speeding

Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding:

My gas petal got stuck.

Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport?

I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off.

My speedometer is broken.

I had a bee in my car.

I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly.

I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.)

(After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.)

I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me?

I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane.

I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more.

My doctor gave me the wrong medication.

I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.

I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving.

 

[CQ:)]

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST..

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre - and Claude was never invited back..