CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[CQ:)]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go.
I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[CQ:)]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them s**t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s**t."
"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[CQ:)]

A SENIOR'S DRIVER'S LICENSE

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a
fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his
lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!" "Yes" she
replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time
I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license.
I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut
the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket." "You won't be
needing this anymore," he said. "So I thanked him and left."

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OUR SENIORS...

 

[CQ:)]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mummy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

 

[CQ:)]

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner phones the police to explain what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky..
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'..

 

[cazzy]

i read thes for an hour, so funny good start to the day 11.45pm just got get up.

 

[CQ:)]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, covered our pet budgie's cage and put the cat in the back garden.
We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. When the taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat scooted back into the house.We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat out. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
My wife (being security conscious) didn't want the taxi driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she told him "My husband has just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck, then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the taxi was deafening.

 

[CQ:)]

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the b****rd that pushed me in!'

 

[CQ:)]

A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

"Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"

 

[CQ:)]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying b*****d told you I was speeding too.

 

[CQ:)]

Pub Steakout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

 

[qtowngirl]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5
HAMBURGER: $10
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”


LOL LOL!!!!

 

[Crash]

Haha,good one q!!!

 

[Screamy]

Who Wears the Pants?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them."

so I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. "Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here, try these on."

She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try mine on."

He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."

So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

 

[CQ:)]

Who Wears the Pants?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them."

so I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. "Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here, try these on."

She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try mine on."

He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."

So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

:roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

Old People

Some old some new but all good.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guysare out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

 

[CQ:)]

CATHOLIC GOLF

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.

"Shit, I missed."

 

[CQ:)]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of tailgate fans come and pee through a hole in the fence and onto my flower garden.

So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers & each time some guy sticks his "thingie" through the fence, I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays"

 

[CQ:)]

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..