CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher
when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, the funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and patiently explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[CQ:)]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box, to use as his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to
church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to church with me
and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house
and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me
and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first F****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

 

[CQ:)]

Longest Password

During a recent password audit by Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbourne"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

 

[CQ:)]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

 

[CQ:)]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

 

[CQ:)]

The Hospital Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[CQ:)]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the landrover you booked for speeding last week."

 

[qtowngirl]

CQ - is this last one a joke or a true story?

 

[CQ:)]

CQ - is this last one a joke or a true story?

I'm pretty sure it is a joke Qtown, when I got it sent to me it didn't have anything about it being a true story.

 

[qtowngirl]

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of
free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone
who knows what’s going on?

For every action, there is a corresponding
over-reaction.

You go girl! ...and don’t come back.

I want to start a car repair shop.
I have already got the air for the tires.

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same
mistake twice without getting nervous.

If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.

In any household, junk accumulates to the
space available for its storage.

Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

People can be divided into three groups:
Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Marriage certificate: just another word for
work permit.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is,
sometimes I lose stuff.

Is there life before coffee?

People who think they know everything
upset those of us who do.

Remember the tea kettle- though up to its neck
in hot water, it continues to sing.

Everything is actually everything else,
just recycled.

 

[cazzy]

bad taste nursery rhymes

jack be nimble
jack be quick
jack jump over the candle stick
jack not so nimble
jack not so quick
jacks in the hospital he burnt his d1ck

mary had a little lamb
that ran into a pylon
100.00 whats ran up his ar*se
and now his wool is nylon

geogi porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too
cause he was gay

jack and gill went up the hill to have abit of fun
gill the dill forgot her pill
and now they got a son

 

[CQ:)]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[CQ:)]

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

 

[CQ:)]

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

 

[lonnie]

A blessing

Such a wonderful start to a difficult morning. Thank you

 

[cazzy]

this naughty poem credit where credit due willy nelson the singer wrote it
My nooki days are over
my piolet light gone out
what used be my sex appeal
is now my water spout
time when on its own accord
from my trouser it would spring
now i got full time job to find the F***ing thing
it use to be emabrassing the way it would behave
for every single morning it stand and watch me shave
now as old age approaches
it gives me the blues
to see its little head hang
and watch me tie my shooes

 

[qtowngirl]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[CQ:)]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

:roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________


LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

 

[CQ:)]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?