CQ's Jokes

[qtowngirl]

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

lol lol lol!!!

 

[Crash]

Hehehehe,thats a good one,shame ill have forgotten it when i try and tell it to someone!!!

 

[CQ:)]

On the ASDA PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA
The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.

 

[CQ:)]

The Six Affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,
'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[CQ:)]

Grandfathers don't know everything!

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[Aneka]

"Thank you Letters for the 12 days of Christmas Gifts'


14th December

My dearest darling John,
I went to the front door today and the Postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightfully romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the wonderful thought.

With deep love and affection always,
Your ever loving, Agnes

15th December

My dearest John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift – two turtle doves!! I am delighted. They are adorable.
All my love,
Your ever loving, Agnes

16th December

Dearest John,
Oh! How extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens! I insist you are too kind.

Your loving, Agnes

17th December

Dear John,

What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness is really too much.

Love, Agnes

18th December

My dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five gold rings – one for each finger. You really are an impossible boy – but I love you! Frankly all those birds that you sent are beginning to squawk a bit and get on my nerves.

Your ever loving, Agnes

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step. So we are back to the birds again are we? Where on earth do you think I can keep them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can’t sleep at
night. Please stop.

Cordially yours - Agnes.


20th December


John,
What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I get seven swans a swimming. Is that some sort of a goddamned joke or what? The house is full of bird sh*t and the racket! I'm beginning to become a nervous wreck. So, it’s not funny anymore. Stop sending the
bl**dy birds!!

Yours, Agnes.



21st December

O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It’s not enough with all these birds. Now I have eight cows sh*tting all over the house and mooing all night.

Lay off, smart a**se, Agnes.


22nd December

Look Sh*t head,
What are you, some kind of nut? Now I've got nine pipers playing and Christ – do they play!!? When they aren't blowing on the sodding pipes, they are chasing the maids through
the cow sh*t. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the blo**dy birds and
the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

You'll get yours, Agnes.



23rd December

YOU ROTTEN B*AST**D,
Now I've got ten ladies dancing! How on earth anyone can call these “whores”, ladies, is beyond me. They're b*lling the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and
have diarrhea, my living room is a river of sh*t and the landlords have just
declared the building unfit for habitation.

P*ss off, Agnes.

24th December

Listen F**kh**d,
What with eleven lords a leaping all over the maids and me, we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are committing S*d*my with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting among the cow sh*t, having been trampled underfoot in the orgy but not before they had swallowed my gold rings. I hope you are satisfied,
you rotten vicious sh*t house.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December

You STINKING LOUSY SH*T,
Twelve drummers drumming have turned up and what with the pipers are making one hell of a bl**dy racket. Both lots have been getting at the lords as well as the cows – and goodness knows what’s happened to the milkmaids. They've probably drowned in the
cow sh*t by now. The only way I've saved myself from getting scr*w*d to death is by hiding up that sodding pear tree, which has been so well fertilised that it’s grown through the roof.

I send you Seasonal Greetings, Bollocks to You. Agnes.

:clap: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: I'm in pain from this one.... :roflmao:

 

[CQ:)]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Sh*t Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So, Here I am.."

 

[CQ:)]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win da lottery ' ...
'What ' s dat ' , says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.

 

[CQ:)]

The Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,
and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a
gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your
husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

 

[CQ:)]

Top 10 Excuses for Sleeping at Work

1. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
2. I was working smarter — not harder.
3. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
4. Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
6. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
7. I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at that seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
9. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
10. Geez, boss, I thought you were gone for the day.

_____________________________________________________________

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
10. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

 

[CQ:)]

Top Ten Ten Rules of Dieting

1. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
2. When you eat with someone else, your calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
3. Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
4. If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real.
6. When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
7. Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
8. Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
9. Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.
10. Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. For example: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

__________________________________________________________
Top Signs You’re Bored at Work

• You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar.
• You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
• You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
• You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
• People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
• No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
• You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
• The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

 

[CQ:)]

I Love My Job (As told to Dr. Seuss)

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; she’s the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this Work; I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I’ll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

 

[Screamy]

SIGNS

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed

 

[Shelley]

There are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for new programs.
In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter: Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

 

[CQ:)]

There are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for new programs.
In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter: Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

:roflmao:

Its not very often I see any good Aussie jokes fft:

 

[lureswinger]

That's probably because the aussies don't have a sense of humour they spend too much time avoiding the dangerous animals and insects over there lol

 

[CQ:)]

That's probably because the aussies don't have a sense of humour they spend too much time avoiding the dangerous animals and insects over there lol

You're right Lures.

Us Aussies have to be aware of the dangerous animals we have.
I am always on the lookout for the killer koalas & boxing kangaroos fft:

 

[CQ:)]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,




(You'll love this)




"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[CQ:)]

A LITTLE CATHOLIC HUMOUR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 

[PFunk]