CQ's Jokes

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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 
posted before?

Not sure if this has been posted before but here goes:

Statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy

And only 1 out of 7 are dopey :roflmao:
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.. It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.
 
Here's a joke just for you Fedup :pfft:

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this Flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few Bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.'
 
CQ:)

Thanks CQ:) needed that, my wife is blond got a dead arm for telling her that, but it was worth it.
 
CQ:)

Thanks for the thought, but there is no fun in that, plus I like you.
 
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school
and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him
He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the
NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
__________________________________________________________

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
___________________________________________________________
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
__________________________________________________________
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
 
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_____________________________________________________________
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees...
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you fookin’ chicken."
____________________________________________________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
Two friends Patricia and Alice meet after many many years.
They talk about their lives, husbands, kids.,grandkids etc etc
Then Patricia asks Alice: 'And how's ya sex life?? '
"SAME AS COCA COLA" replies Alice.
'Great! .... Sweet and full of bubbles, eh?!'
"Nah! Nothing like that!. Before it was 'NORMAL', then it became 'LIGHT', and now it's 'ZERO'!"

coke_zpsd9264046.jpg
 
A man invites his mate back home for dinner, the wife screams at him:

"I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the hell did you invite him round for ? "

Man says "Cos he's thinking of getting married "!!
 
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
 
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‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas."

The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"

The third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? One of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
 
Q: Why do only 10 percent of boyfriends make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
 
Q: How many ex-boyfriends does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.
 
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A: A Boyfriend.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
 
qtowngirl said:
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A: A Boyfriend.
Click to expand...

If I replaced everything to be female in that joke I don't think they would let that fly?

Q, good thing you have your dildo. How was it powered again?
 
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