CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

On arriving, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. “I'm
sorry,” St Peter said; “but Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'”

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which 2 days of the week start with
the letter 'T'. The second is How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when
I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions considerable
thought (you'd do the same). The following morning, St Peter called
upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which
she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T'?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer in near-disbelief for some time, before
deciding that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions? How many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the 2nd of January, the 2nd of
February, right through to the 2nd of December, giving a total of
twelve seconds.'

St Peter frowned, looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to
consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked
away shaking his head. A little while later, suitably 'refreshed' St
Peter returned to the Blonde. “I'll allow the answer to stand, but
you need to get the final question absolutely correct to be allowed
into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked “How in God's name did you
arrive at THAT answer?”
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his
Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven..

 

[CQ:)]

St Peter asked the Blonde. “can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked “How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?”
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

For the members who aren't Aussie or are unfamiliar with the song Waltzing Matilda here are the lyrics.

Waltzing Matilda
Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,
Under the shade of a Coolibah tree,
And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil,
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,
And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

....................

Down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong
Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee,
And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,
And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

.....................

Up rode the squatter mounted on his thorough-bred
Down came the troopers One Two Three
Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me
Whose that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

......................

Up jumped the swagman sprang in to the billabong
You'll never catch me alive said he,
And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

Waltzing Matilda Waltzing Matilda
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me
And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong
You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

 

[CQ:)]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
____________________________________________________________

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish."

 

[CQ:)]

First Christmas Joke for 2012

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[CQ:)]

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
> off to his colleagues.
>
> As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close
> to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
>
> More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the
> police.
>
> Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
> chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
> 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
> it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
>
> After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
> in disgust.
>
> 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says.
> 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
> anything else in your life.'
>
> 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
> owner.
>
> The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off
> when the truck hit you.'
>
> The Banker looks down in horror.
>
> 'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

 

[CQ:)]

The "Wellie Boot's"
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"?

He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on,
this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,
"They're my brother's "Wellie's", My mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

 

[CQ:)]

The australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237..64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales
and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

 

[CQ:)]

New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention,
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y f or another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

 

[Fedup]

CQ

What would we do without your wit and charm. Never lose them or your touch - Laughter Is Freaking Essential - always ment to tell you how good and true that is.

 

[nicholas:)]

Love it

 

[nicholas:)]

My dog impersonating our cat..

 

[nicholas:)]

woof woof!

 

[CQ:)]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up".
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?".
Little Johnny replied "No Ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself"

 

[CQ:)]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

 

[CQ:)]

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.

Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...
do you want her to be beautiful
and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night
and f off in the morning!

 

[CQ:)]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown Pretoria apartment to a couple of friends late one night after a rugby game,
drunk Dave led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' Dave drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*&k's sake, you stupid p***k. It's ten past three in the morning!!!

 

[CQ:)]

A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F***-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[lonnie]

thank you

And thank you again, The best jokes I ever see:clap:

 

[nicholas:)]

What do you call a fly that cannot fly?
WALK

 

[CQ:)]

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too..'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'