CQ's Jokes

[RanMan]

The Summer Job.

A highschool student got a summer job at a country general store.
On his first day the manager tried to explain the concept of suggestive selling.

Manager - I'll serve this next customer and I want you to observe how I try to make an extra sale.

Customer - Goes and gets some toothpaste and when he comes up to the front to pay, the manager says "Would you like to buy a toothbrush with that?" and the customer agrees and purchases a toothbrush as well.

The new kid says "O K , I think I uderstand the concept, let me do the next one" so the manager agrees.

Female customer - picks out some tampons and brings them to the front to pay, the new kid says "would you like to buy a lawnmower?"

Customer - furious, she says "why would I want to buy a lawnmower?"

New kid - "well you won't be doing anything for a week so you might as well cut the grass."

Randy

 

[RanMan]

WOMANLY HUMOUR

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to
purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television
set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the
root, and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands
and
wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Robin Hood, isn't it?




CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of
string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for
your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; beause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she ( I figure
this
guy is the one on the milk carton! )



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day
... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything
to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and
so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee
each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the
top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"



THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at5:00 AMfor an early morning
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a
piece of paper,

"Please wake me at5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was9:00 AM and he
had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't
wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said,
"It is5:00 AM. Wake up."


Randy

 

[RanMan]

Hope you get a chuckle out of this:

An American P O W in IRAQ


An American Marine is captured in Iraq and taken prisoner. During this time he has his hands and feet tied and has the gag removed from his mouth so he will hopefully answer some confidential American military questions.

The Iraqy officer tortured him as he asked questions like ~ When is the next American military strike going to happen and where. All that the American soldier would say is “tic-tic-tic-tic”-etc.
The Iraqy officer then put a gun to his head and asked him again. All the soldier would say was “tic-tic-tic-tic-”etc.

Now the Iraqy officer was getting pissed off and yelled to him “WE HAVE WAYS TO MAKE YOU TOC”.

Randy

 

[RanMan]

Misconceptions of playing golf.

Tiger Woods was driving in his luxurious car one day when he decided he had to stop for gas. As he pulled up to the pump, a young kid gas attendant runs up to the car and asks "are you Tiger Woods?" to which he replied "Yes ~ just fill it up"
While the gasoline was being pumped, the kid walked around the car admireing the vehicle and all the features.
The gas pump stopped and then the kid came up to Tiger in the car and said "that'll be $68.00 ~ will that be cash?"
Tiger reaches in to his pocket and pulls out a wadd of cash. Also with the cash there was some change and a couple of Golf Tees.
The kid saw them and asked "what are those things?"
Tiger replied "those are what I put my balls on when I drive?"
The kid, without missing a beat says "WOW ~ THIS CAR HAS EVERYTHING"

Randy

 

[RanMan]

Productive Salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of
current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing.
Hey, this tastes like shit!
Then I would say.............." It is shit."
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Randy

 

[RanMan]

Knock Knock

Who's there

Oh, I see you know this one.

Randy

 

[RanMan]

This is a blonde joke, hope I don't offend anyone.

A car pulls up to a gas pump. A blonde gets out and proceeds to fill her car with gas. When she has finished, she realizes that she locked her keys in the car with her purse in it.
She then goes up to the Gas bar attendant and asks if she could borrow a clothes hanger to try to unlock the car.
After a few minutes, the Gas bar attendant went out to see how she was making out.
As she was moving the hanger around, the other blonde inside the car said "you almost got it, move it more to the left...etc.........

Randy

 

[RanMan]

Did you hear about the 2 Irish men that walked out of a pub....................yeah.........it could happen.

Randy

 

[RanMan]

SUMBITCH


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Larry, the only redneck in the neighborhood He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Larry was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirt ing with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Larry in the pool!
Larry was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Larry was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Larry and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Larry strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Larry then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Larry, I reckon I ow e you a million dollars,'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Larry.

The rich man said, 'Man , I have to give you something.

You won the bet How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Larry.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you somethi ng. &n bsp;That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Larry said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Larry, then what do you want?'

Larry said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

Randy

 

[RanMan]

Another blond joke (sorry if I offend anyone)

Blond is casually talking to her hairdresser, she happens to mention that she wants to sell her car but nobody wants to buy it b/c it has too many miles on it (130,000).

Hairdresser replies that her brother owns a garage and she should take it to him and he will change the mileage to make it easier to sell.

Well about two weeks later, she sees the hairdresser again.
Hairdresser asks her if she sold her car yet.
Blond replies ~ No way I'm selling it now, It only has 30,000 miles on it.

Randy

 

[CQ:)]

Stud rooster


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'


Moral of this Story? ..
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[CQ:)]

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.


The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.


The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonna LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'

 

[drarvindr]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Ohhhhhh classic!

 

[munchy]

Well, it's taken me 3 evenings, but I have read through 16 pages of jokes, love them!!!

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread, I feel so much better now!!!

Munchy xx

 

[RanMan]

The Woodpecker

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.


The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!

Randy

 

[Shelley]

reruns

Well, it's taken me 3 evenings, but I have read through 16 pages of jokes, love them!!!

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread, I feel so much better now!!!

Munchy xx

Whenever you feel a little down, or you need to reset your brain, (onward thru the postictal fog) feel free to reread all sixteen pages+. It is the best thing ever.
I send my sister some of these, because she has chronic depression.
Shelley

 

[RanMan]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly s he sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .








Wait for it. .






It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Randy

 

[CQ:)]

Irish joke of the year.

.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin ,orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them
in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars' inthe bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

 

[CQ:)]

 

[Shelley]

Size matters

My sister sends me some good ones at times.


Riddle of the Day



Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )







The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?


Shelley

:banana: