I am also strong willed and stubborn, but right now I AM TIRED.
I WAS BORN SICK, NOT WITH EPILEPSY, BUT WITH OTHER VARIOUS PROBLEMS, I WAS BORN FIGHTING. I AM 35 YRS OLD AND HAVE HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY HEALTH, MY LIFE, MY MENTAL HEALTH, OR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER EVERY DAY.
Just when things started to get easier, my life finally started getting good, I was finally HAPPY, and could accept the things I had gone through in my life, BAM like a shot in the head.
I have been fighting and fighting and fighting, now my own son is afraid to be alone with me, I can't drive, after fighting for two years to stay at work the Dr. finally said Erin you just can't work anymore, I have to take you out " you should be proud, you've worked so hard, you didn't just give up, I've never seen anyone fight as hard as you" (I didn't feel proud, I felt like a failure), I to have had to get food stamps, medicaid. Then in November my Dr tells me I need to apply for SSDI, SSI, and something else because I may never be able to go back to work agian. ME? I went to collage, I worked 2 part time jobs and took extra classes, just to go to collage, now I may never work agian?
I tried to commit suicide twice when I was younger, but now I would never do that, no matter how depressed I am, as unhappy as I am right now I'm not that selfish, I have become a burden on those I love, but it would crush them, and with the exeption of my son and my father epilepsy has brought me closer to my loved ones. I would of course like to be close to my son agian, sometimes it's there, but there are so many times that he doesn't want to be in our home.(alone with me, he's scared)
I just want people to know that it is OK to feel depressed, epilepsey can be overwhelming, for me I have a history I have depression, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, obssesive compulsive disorder w/ agoraphobia, that's what I meant when I said I had just started enjoying life, I was finally happy, even with all my mental and health disorders I had found 2 Dr.'s to help me, and me and Austin where having a good time of it. so when this haappened at first it was no big deal, but the longer it's gone on, and the more I've "lost" I've gotten tired, depressed, and a bit jaded, and most of that has happened within the last 6 months, so I NEVER mean to offend anyone, or say the wrong thing....I don't know I'm just babbling and I'm crying so it's hard to see, I'm just going to stop now.
Although the 11 drugs listed above were the ones included in the analysis, FDA expects that the increased risk of suicidality is shared by all antiepileptic drugs and anticipates that the class labeling changes will be applied broadly.
I know exactly how you feel, my feelings about my Epilepsy are about the same. For me, it ruined my career, my life, and my family. The latest drug I'm taking is Lamictal, but it doesn't make me feel suicidal. I don't have very good control of mine either, and sometimes think it would be a lot easier on other people around me if I wasn't around. I want to get out on my own and make things easier on everyone, but my Epilepsy holds me back. Money is a big object for me, I'm on Disability, but it doesn't pay enough for me to live on my own the ways I would like to be able to. Not being able to drive has a lot to do with not being able to get on with life. I want to move to a warmer climate than I live right now, but Disability only allows me to work and make so much to remain on Disability. Disability is taking care of most of my medical expenses right now, but I would much rather be working. Finding a job right now that has insurance is hard, and most places, if I can work full time, usually doesn't provide insurance until after a years employment.I feel suicidal alot, but I think its caused by the fact that I have seizures to begin with, not the drugs Im taking. Having epilepsy is a horrible thing to have, especially when its uncontrolled like mine are so why would people blame the pills and not the disease?