CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Dog Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[Loopy Lou]

Thanks, i really needed that laugh! You must really put a lot of work into finding all these jokes!

 

[CQ:)]

Thanks, i really needed that laugh! You must really put a lot of work into finding all these jokes!

Nah, not much work lol.

Most of the jokes or funny pics I post on here are emails friends have sent me.
Otherwise if I'm bored & think it's time for a laugh I'll do a search for some funny but clean jokes lol.

 

[CQ:)]

12 Days Of Christmas

December 14, 2006

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.

Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
_____________________________________________________________
December 15, 2006

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.

They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
_______________________________________________________________
December 16, 2006

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.

They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
________________________________________________________________
December 17, 2006

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
_________________________________________________________________
December 18, 2006

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.

Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
________________________________________________________________
December 19, 2006

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.

So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?

The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
_______________________________________________________________
December 20, 2006

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds??

Seven swans a swimming. What kind of #### joke is this?

There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
_________________________________________________________________
December 21, 2006

OK. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the #### am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?

It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their #### cows.

There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.


Agnes
_________________________________________________________________
December 22, 2006

Hey S***head:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.

The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !
Agnes
________________________________________________________________

December 23, 2006

You rotten jerk::

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those s**ts ladies.

They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ####.

The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
_________________________________________________________________
December 24, 2006

Listen S**thead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.

All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
_______________________________________________________________

December 25, 2006

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention.

If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

 

[CQ:)]

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

 

[CQ:)]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

 

[emvi]

epilepsy joke

gotta laugh about myself to keep things sane. always helps with the malady.

Shake in the line (Seize Señora)

(based on Shake Señora, sung by Harry Belafonte)

Seize, seize, seize, Señora, seize your body line
Seize, seize, seize, Señora, seize it all the time
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk your body line
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk it all the time

My girl's name is Señora
Yes my friends, she's a Shaker
And when she seizes, oh brother!
She's a Quaker in all kinds of weather

(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) OK, I believe you!
(Froth in de mouth, flail your body in time) OK, simple partial!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) OK, complex partial!
(Froth in de mouth, flail your body in time) Whoa!

Twitch, twitch, twitch, Señora, twitch your body line
Twitch, twitch, twitch, Señora, twitch it all the time
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk your body line
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk it all the time

You can talk about multifocal
Absence, complex or temporal
Señora’s fits have a title
Can you say psychomotor?
She's a big vibrator!

(Froth in de mouth, flail your body in time) OK, I believe you!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) flail your body, child!
(Froth in de mouth, flail your body in time) Somebody, help me!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) Whoa!

Twitch, twitch, twitch, Señora, twitch your body line
Seize, seize, seize, Señora, seize it all the time (Whoa)
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk your body line (Yep)
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora, jerk it all the time

Señora, she's a pulsation
The reason for fascination
And fellas you got to watch it
When she fall down, her eyes, go back in de sockets!

(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) OK, I believe you!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) martini, shaken NOT stirred!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) yay, ep-ilep-sy!!
(Jump in de line, flail your body in time) Whoa oh oh oh!

[Instrumental Break]

seize, seize, seize, Señora
seize your body line
jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora
jerk it all the time
Dance, dance, dance, Señora
Dance it all the time
jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora
jerk it all the time

Señora gets an MRI
We hope the fits will a-go-go
But when she get de seizure
She go up in the air, come down in fast motion

(Jump in de line, rock your body in time) OK, I believe you!
(Jump in de line, rock your body in time) Somebody, help me!
(Jump in de line, rock your body in time) OK, I believe you!
(Jump in de line, rock your body in time) Whooooa!

Seize, seize, seize, Señora, seize your body line
Seize, seize, seize, Señora, seize it all the time
Jerk, jerk, jerk, Señora!!

 

[CQ:)]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

 

[CQ:)]

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."

 

[CQ:)]

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

"Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

 

[CQ:)]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[CQ:)]

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free."

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.

Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!"

Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[CQ:)]

I'm not sure if I have ever post this joke before lol.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)



"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........!"

 

[CQ:)]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?


A 5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents.
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, d**k-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"

 

[CQ:)]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many cond * ms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[Soulcreek]

What do you call an epileptic having a seizure in a bush?

Russell. :roflmao:

 

[Soulcreek]

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

 

[CQ:)]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned..'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
____________________________________________________________

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
______________________________________________________________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
_____________________________________________________________

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
________________________________________________________________

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
__________________________________________________
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little ba**ards!'..
_____________________________________________________________

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
________________________________________________________________-
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________________________________________________________
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

______________________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
_____________________________________________________________

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
___________________________________

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[CQ:)]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 21:30 now."

(Gotta love military time!)

 

[CQ:)]

BOB & THE BLOND:
Bob walked into a sports
bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blond
at the bar, and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man on
the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blond looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blond replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"



Just as the blond placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blond was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.